Wasted Talent

Welcome back Faithfuls. I hope you took a minute to reflect where we left off last week.  If you missed any part of the story, I suggest starting here before going forward.

As we round the corner on the end of last year, a year that brought revelation in many ways, Faithfuls we must finish what we started. Duty obligates me to give you the Anti-Husband’s final section of his last letter to me in 2020. We ended the prior installment with my betrayal of his feels, his words. What he received as judgment was simply an admission of the obvious, selling marijuana infused juice makes you a liquid street pharmacist…potentially on your way to something legal(ish) but a drug dispenser none the less. That is not a judgment, but a fact. Another fact, I get to decide who and what I want sharing my life space, no tea no shade. Where I’d like to go and what I see for my future didn’t include him, street Kool-Aid or not. Being honest the drug dealer moniker was true but easier than saying I think you’re a child with delusions of manhood who possess no ability to see the right decision even if it were butt naked in your face dancing. See that’s hard to say to someone, especially someone who’s feelings you’ve guarded for almost a decade. In hindsight I’d done him a serious disservice. He left thinking more of himself than was there.

If by chance you missed any part of My Past’s final words, I suggest starting here. However, if you’ve been sipping this all along, drink up before it gets cold.

…I saw how much added stress and pressure I put on you, and instead of stepping up, I ran. Not because I didn’t want to be with you, but because I finally realized I needed to discover and work on me. I didn’t want that process to further the issues of our home and your struggles. As far as the other women I spoke about, where it was disrespectful to say that to you, I felt and believed it was a part of the growth process. I’m sure that our failing sex life added to that, but I need you to know that I never stepped out on you while we were together. However the ups and downs of these past few months have taught me that the life of a bachelor is nothing more than another distraction and in order to grow I need to be alone and focus inward.

You claim that I never loved you, and the descriptions above definitely are evident of why you feel that way. However that also couldn’t be further from the truth. The sacrifices I made to be with you, whether they were the ones you needed or not, were real. I gave up my life dream of a family with multiple children because I wanted you to be my wife. I gave up who I was at my core in an attempt to be what u wanted me to be because I wanted you in my life. In many ways doing so made me a better person, but also it added stress and perceived judgement to other relationships with ppl who are also important to me. Even with that I put my cares to the side, simply because I wanted to be with you. If that’s not love than I don’t know what is. Was it love in the language u speak or actions u need, no, but it is undeniably love nonetheless. 

In closing, I want you know that I cherish our time we had together. I’ll always remember the love we shared all the sacrifices you made to be with me, and all the lessons you taught me. I apologize for all the hurt, pains, perceived disrespect, and stress I caused you. I hope you find true happiness and the love you deserve. You’re beautiful inside and out, you’re extremely intelligent and even more caring. You deserve the world and I apologize for not giving it to you. Whether you respond to this or not isn’t my concern, I just hope you’re able to receive my purpose and intent in this message. I failed you, but I do love you, yesterday, today and forever.

Peace and blessings 

Love your husband… 

First, it’s impossible to love someone outside of their love language. I firmly hold true that love is an action word. My Past’s movements failed to match his words so not only is he a liar, he’s someone who performed loved but didn’t display it. Being with an actor gets old. Eventually costumes slide back into closets and the person beneath the mask is who remains. Once his mask fell, I saw him for who and what he is, no perceived disrespect just actual. I can’t tell you the number of people, his family included, who said they couldn’t understand why I was with My Past. I defended often and sometimes laughed with them in the moment because I thought it jest, yet truth exists in the best jokes. After a while I began to see what they already knew. At best he was a child, and at worst they knew The Anti-Husband to be a self-absorbed bum (his words not mine).  

Secondly, I never denied him a life without children. I thought I made it perfectly clear very early in the relationship, if having more kids was his ministry, he would have to make the choice to leave me. Pull the band aid quickly but leaving would be a must. It might hurt us both momentarily, but some things are non-negotiable. That I can respect. However, for the sake of imagination, let’s play out children. Would a baby make him keep a job? It hadn’t thus far. Would a baby transform his lying tongue? Would he morph into a man that shows his son how to walk the world with honor, loyalty, respect, dignity, and integrity? Would he build legacy to provide for his progeny? No proof exists that any of this is true today, and if history is the best prediction of the future, what would another kid do besides glorify and put on display his failures. Even if my ovaries screamed for planting, why would I ever help create life with My Past? The man whose trauma runs so deep he can’t understand peace instead he seeks to replicate and inflict his hurt on others in real time.

And even if I believed his words, kids ain’t why he asked to separate. Not for nothing he didn’t even leave to find himself. I wish that was actually the truth. My Past buried his real motives in a bunch of language that still reeks of assholery. He left so he could “inner act” with other women and I hope it was worth it. He all but admitted it wasn’t. And that’s unfortunate because he could have captured that fantasy by himself in a napkin and came to the table with the real.  Miss me with the bullshit. Trust my soft landing has been amazing. I feel lighter on my feet because I lost a 260lb or more load of wasted talent. And we all know, “the saddest thing in life is wasted talent and the choices we make will shape our life forever.”

But what says you Faithfuls, in totality did this ring apologetic? Speak on it in the comments, in the meantime, and between time, please share, like, comment, and subscribe…isn’t that what we do on this here interweb. As always there’s more where this came from so stay tuned for the next installment.

Remember to share is to care and hashish.

Oh and if you’re interested in my levels of toxicity…we are all works in progress. Here’ my actual response to his email.

Hey Nino Brown of Sugared Beverages,

I hope writing this email brought you some closure and comfort. Truth be told our relationship died for me well before 2020. If I’m being honest, I knew the night before the wedding. It’s insane when you ask for a sign and God gives you one, but you’re too stubborn to listen.  It’s water under the bridge at this point. 

Take Care,

Your Ex Wife 😊

Was this bitchy?