Comfort, Closure, Understanding & Accountability

Welcome back Faithfuls. I hope you took a minute to reflect where we left off last week.  If you missed any part of the story, I suggest starting here before going forward.

Anniversaries felt odd to me prior to meeting My Past. Before, they existed as arbitrary dates with ascribed feels that represented a thing that happened to us, sometimes by chance and other times by force. This could also be the emotionally detached person in me that didn’t understand the significance because I never witnessed a celebration of love this way growing up. Truth be told my first anniversary with My Past I mixed up the dates. Not that I didn’t remember the significance of the day or that I didn’t already have a gift planned and ready because I did (I love giving gifts) I screwed up the actual date because of the colliding holiday. We started our together forever in November on Thanksgiving the year we met. So, in my mind I’ve always associated Thanksgiving, my second favorite holiday, with our story. It’s also why it was so very important for me each year to bring the best of our families together to celebrate. Following the split, it was the hardest time for me, his absence was fine, but the collective family I crave was gone. I miss them intensely, but I recognize that I am just a plus 1 and he is theirs forever. But to the point, anniversaries are interesting, and today happens to be my 3^rd wedding anniversary.

God continues his comedy show. In the spirit of “celebrating” our union it only makes sense to hear from The Anti-Husband in his own words. This letter felt more composed…one might call it a true apology. It does get to some of the why I asked about last installment even if there’s a bit of blame game happening. It’s always easier to couch our short comings in someone else’s behavior. Because I care I’ll break it into sections

“Good afternoon I hope this email finds you well.

I’ve been doing some reflecting the past few weeks. I wanted to pass some of the relative thoughts on, in hopes that it will bring some comfort, closure, understanding, and accountability to our history.

I’ve realized how my thoughts and mental health have been a hindrance to me throughout my life, and subsequently our marriage. As I’m certain you already know this, I still wanted to take the time to accept responsibility for it and point out some of the instances and areas where I should have put forth better effort.

I recognize that at minimum in this past yr I selfishly received your hurt, worry, and pain as negative feelings towards me. Instead of being there and being strong for you when you were in a weakened state, I added to that stress by bringing more negative energy into the home. Where I know that a lot of that stemmed from a lack of communication because you are so strong and hid your emotions. I never took the time to learn how to break through that barrier, and instead I allowed you to deal with your hurt on your own while also asking you to help me deal with mine. For that I apologize. 

When we 1st met I used to tell you that I wanted to make you happy and protect you from hurt and pain. I used to ask you all the time what was wrong and how I could help, your response was always nothing, or “stop asking me that because its annoying”. So I stopped asking and I allowed you to push me away and continue to deal with things on your own instead of recognizing that this was one of the main areas I should have leaned in more as I believe it would have strengthened our relationship and journey. So when the time came where you actually needed me I had know idea how to handle that responsibility because I didn’t recognize the lessons that would have equipped me to do so.

I never took the time to learn how to love you bcuz I took your strength and projected it as negative thoughts against me. I should have accepted the uncomfortability of needing to force those difficult conversations that would have given me the understanding to not only hear but pick up on the small and large direct but mostly indirect hints of your needs. I think I saw your strength and subconsciously allowed it to cause me to ignore your distress calls. 

Over the years you’ve definitely told me what u need me to do better, but I selfishly didnt listen or apply myself to correct my behavior. Whether it was because I believed you to be strong enough on your own, or because I was irresponsible. I miss handled your heart and emotions. There are no words that can express how deeply apologetic I am for that, but I hope you know it is 1 of my biggest regrets…”

If he had ended the letter here, I would have called to have a conversation with him. But since we know he didn’t, neither did I. In this I’m reminded vividly of the man I married. The person who brought out emotion in me that I never knew existed. I can admit to being type A, rigid, and sometimes inflexible in my expressions. Not because I don’t feel, I’m a bottler, but because I’m selective in who gets to see me, who I am is a privilege that everyone is not allowed. Even in my marriage there were places that My Past never reached. Partially because of the lack of security he provided. And the other part is just my nature, I don’t know that I have the capacity to allow a partner to know me that well. Remember, I saw the rawest levels of Wander Bread exploited by Marine OG, the depths of those betrayals I possess no ability to handle, and I have no desire to try.

Hey Faithfuls, admittedly a work in progress. So, My Past is right. I buried myself in myself, that is my security. I always wanted to be my best for him. Most of the nothings in my response were just that, shit that was going on at work, minor annoyances that didn’t warrant conversation, and generalized introvert I need my space even in this together. And while I know that not in the beginning but definitely in the middle, I voiced all of these things – I also know he didn’t listen. He received every part of emotion that was not positively bubbly as an afront to him, hell he made it about him, he allowed it to define him because of insecurity. And ultimately, he took it out on me.

Faithfuls, know there’s more where this came from so stay tuned for the next installment and the second half of this letter. My Past was always one to equate signs to dates and numbers, what do you think it means that this blog posting happens on our wedding anniversary and we signed divorce paperwork on our actual relationship anniversary? I don’t necessarily hold those same thoughts, but it is ironic but not in a ha ha sort of way. Any who speak on it in the comments, in the meantime, and between time, please share, like, comment, and subscribe…isn’t that what we do on this here interweb.

Remember to share is to care and hashish.