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Welcome back Faithfuls. I hope you took a minute to reflect where we left off last week. If you missed any part of the story, I suggest starting here before going forward.
Covid conditions exacerbated my already collapsing marriage. It exists as the perfect storm of fucked up that layered onto our brokenness. With time to think without being caught in the rapture, I acknowledge my performance of wife, absent the spirit, after the California highway ask. To really be in it, you have to really be in it. I’d file my time between late 2018 and the 2020 bridge fiasco as faking it until I made it. By the time Covid crippled outside, I was already half out so that means I was also only half in. My Past knew this. During a roof top conversation after yet another blow, I acknowledged my 50%, that I felt weighed down and overcrowded by all his stuff. What didn’t leave my lips was how overwhelming the responsibility of our entire life felt. How hollow his efforts rang and that I no longer saw him as a man. I just couldn’t say it. My Past lost the one thing I needed to stay engaged, my respect. It became challenging to see him as my person. Instead, all the imperfections I allowed love to sideline came thundering to the forefront. That last time on the roof where he again promised to do better…I knew he wouldn’t.
While I provided a safe space or a dumping ground depending on how you view it for all of his shit, I had no such thing. His presence was thorny, I left cut from each encounter with no time to heal before his next strike. Cut after cut after cut left me spiraling. From birthday arrests to sloppy drunk nights where he stumbled in late or couldn’t find his way home, he left no trigger untouched. I was constantly walking on uneven ground. His instability made it impossible to find reassurance in his arms, his words, or his presence. It all felt…hollow. An emptiness surrounded all of our interactions that left me unsure of myself in a way I’d never experienced. More walls grew and I turned inward even more. It began impacting all of me, my health declined – I never shared. My weight increased – I didn’t care. My only refuge was work and then covid removed the purity of that outlet.
At times I wondered if his poor behavior stood as a test, to see how much bullshit I’d consume before breaking under its weight. Men always say they want women who weather storms with them, so I started thinking, this was his way of testing my loyalty. But when had my actions spoke doubt? When had I shown him that I didn’t have his back? When had I betrayed trust, love, respect, or demonstrated that when it became tough, I’d run? Even in my half in half out I still showed up. Granted I told him squarely to his face I had no intention of being married to the Nino Brown of Sugared Beverages. Absent this he had no catalogue of tortured memories to pour over with friends showcasing my ain’t shit-ness. All I ever asked for was a responsible partner who considered my feels. Hell, I never even asked him to provide. I asked him to be kind, to live up to his words or stand accountable for being a liar.
When I received the initial divorce paperwork from my lawyer, I breathed a sigh of relief that My Past and I don’t share anything or anyone that keeps us bound. We’d break clean and I’d be free to fully and completely close The Anti-Husband chapter. Standing on my landing after picking up a pair of left behind sneakers he asked if we were really doing this without having a discussion. Funny I thought he’d been quite loud in his conversation to that point in late September, however, I said that if he had more to say by all means because I didn’t. He eyeballed me for a couple of seconds, maybe because I was fresh off my workout or because he needed to find his words, but he proceeded to say that he wasn’t going to keep apologizing for shit and wanted to know if we could still be friends. I told him that all my friends are people of character and integrity of which he has none so I didn’t see how it would be possible nor why it made sense for me. He responded by asking for a hug. I recoiled with such disgust I’m sure it echoed on my face and said absolutely not. I no longer had to perform wife and it felt good.
Ironically or because God remains the funniest comedian, we signed paperwork to close out what never should have been on our anniversary in late November. I remember pulling up to the Starbucks and thanking him for being agreeable to letting me go my way. He responded by saying, Happy Anniversary. I paused, gathered the papers, and drove away. Maybe I should have said same to you? But I legit had nothing to say. People ask me all time if we speak and are shocked to know we don’t. Back tracks aren’t in my ministry. When I needed an ear to listen, he gave an ass to kiss, so for me all I really want to know is why? Some questions will forever remain unanswered. Before the close of the year, he sent his second dissertation in letter form, you know to set the record straight. We’ll tackle that in the next couple of installments. But what says you Faithfuls, do you have any unanswered questions between you and your past? If so, what are they? Speak on it in the comments, in the meantime, and between time, please share, like, comment, and subscribe…isn’t that what we do on this here interweb.
Remember to share is to care and hashish.
I still struggle to understand how this happened to you. You’re very smart, common sense, very attractive, savvy and street smart. I want to teach/warn my daughters but how? p.s. worth the read Tks!
Hey Keith, thanks for taking the time to visit my small space on this side of the internet and I appreciate and receive your sentiments. I would hope that your daughter never finds herself in my situation. Honestly I hope that no one goes through it, while my experience is mine the feelings are not unique. It is also not uniquely happening to women, although I think women are more likely to share. Absent the full read my one piece of advice to your daughter is to never overlook red flags. Address them early, often, and tackle them with grace because no one is perfect. If those red flags continue and they cause pain it is ok to chose you. Please know that what is a red flag for me will not be a red flag for your daughter because we are different people. But the feelings those red flags create – fear, pain, insecurity, unloved…if they keep happening move quickly. The longer you are in a thing the harder it is to get out.
Hope you stick around for the next installment. If your daughter is of age send her the link 😉
Hi Faithfuls – Shame on people that take your kindness for weakness and your love like a game. It doesn’t matter how smart you are or common sense you have or street smarts to be manipulated- it happens all the time. It’s how you handle the situation after all is said and done. Do you stay down and continue to have a pity party or do you pick yourself up and learn from the situation.
Enjoy your day Faithfuls – Let’s keep reading and sipping !!
Wander Bread 🥰
Hey Faithful,
There aren’t any pity parties happening, LOL. I’m not sure if I would call My Past manipulative. Manipulation takes a certain amount of calculation that I don’t fully know he has…but I could be underestimating him. At times he feels like the closest stranger I’ve ever never known. Sometimes you take a risk on a person and you make a mistake. I can admit that about myself. I knowingly saw the red flags and decided to believe in someone…that is outside of my norm. If that is manipulative then I am a sucker which I can also admit.
You are right and have always been right, shame on the person who takes your kindness for weakness.
Hope to see you back for the next installment.
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Such a dark place that you were in. Sadly so many of us soaked in those dark places for too long. It’s is so easy for someone on the outside looking in to speak on somebody’s situation especially in your case which was for better or for worse, for rich or for poor(is that correct? lol), and in sickness and in health, til death do us part. I can honestly say, I felt, that you would have been the very last person I would have thought was going through such darkness, but at the same time it just showed me that you are a real woman with a real heart who obviously gave the opposite you attracted more than he ever deserved from you. Just from reading his reactions in November, and all the other reactions, he just really didn’t/doesn’t have a clue as to why this ended, in my opinion. I am so glad you are free from that bull-ish! Have a nice life Anti-Husband. Mean it.
Hey Faithful,
I would agree that My Past believes he left me. In some ways he did but overall the decision to not be together was truly mine. If I would have said yes to his “separation” he would still be in my life with all the chaos that he brings. Honestly he wants all of the rhythm and none of the blues. He wants sunshine but doesn’t understand that in order to appreciate sunshine we have to have rain. He has no capacity to deal with life especially romantic life that is not easy. He is a coward wearing the clothes of a man…who I wish nothing but what he deserves in life.
One thing as people we must remember to do is check in, really check in on our friends we see as strong. You just never know what they are shouldering. And as a “strong” friend I have to remember I chose friends for a reason and there is no weakness in saying I am hurting. We are all works in progress.
Hope to see you for the next installment.
I realized that a lot of the unanswered questions I had from my past relationships are best left unknown. The mindset I have and knowing the mindset of the ones I used to deal with, their responses would probably just be a trigger and a reminder of why it would never work.
I’m just happy that you finally get to close this chapter in your book, and move forward gracefully and leave the past in the past. I agree I could never be friends again with an ex because it takes a friendship first to build up to the relationship and obviously the friendship ended a longgg time ago between you and the anti-husband.
Thank you as always for your transparency and sharing your journey and healing in the process through it all. 🥰
Hey Faithful,
Friendship should be the cornerstone to any romantic relationship. This is something I forgot when I entered my together forever but not really. I looked at him through the lens of a partner, someone to supplemental my life but what I should have looked at him through was the lens by which I assess my friends. Does he compliment my life…does he have a value add? Will he be available when times are tough, can I speak to him freely without feeling like my words will echo on an outsiders lips? I cannot tell you why that didn’t dawn on me earlier. I also cannot say that I can ever be friends with him because if we are being honest, I am not sure we were ever friends. That’s a hard ass pill to swallow.
It’s very possible that the answer to the why might trigger. Since we aren’t together the why would be helpful as I wander back out into this world and plan my soft landing. I do not want to end up back where I started. Why someone would treat another person under the guise of love, poorly, feels like a valid question. I don’t need the superficial, I got that – he wants to inner act with other women. That’s surface, the real is hidden within those words and that’s what I want to know. But like you said the mentality probably ain’t there so I will forever have unanswered questions.
I’m bleeding my whole life on these pages and I appreciate your support. Hope to see you back for the next installment.