If you haven’t read the Dear Faith Letter, I suggest you go back and give it a whirl before you dive into Part I of my response. To be fair, I probably should set the scene a bit better. How did I get to the point where I was meeting My Past on a bridge in Fairmont Park? I’m glad you asked. Let’s skip to the middle of the end. Why? Because the middle is where I’d like to start. Shortly before becoming the Nino Brown of Sugared Beverages, My Past started a pop-up sandwich shop. Please note this “idea” while not novel, had been my brainchild for him 2-3 years prior. He’d ignored me because he wanted to (“research” conspiracy theories on YouTube) pursue catering.
I shouldn’t and will not downplay catering. And to be fair My Past can cook. With every fiber that is me, I know his gift and God given talent is cooking. He is the most alive and attractive behind the steam of the stove. To hear him tell it, we were scratching and surviving so he could become one of Philly’s premiere Chefs. I latched to that dream so strongly, in some ways it became my own for damn near 8 years (probably 5 and a possible). Hell, I have a bunch of expensive kitchen equipment, including a pricey stove he insisted get added to the cost of the house I purchased because he needed a convection oven. And you know when you’re not throwing a pea in a pod, I guess the cost of things really doesn’t matter.
But I digress, Seasnin’s Pop Up Shop came about on the heels of The Anti-Husband’s unfortunate firing from his family owned re-opened restaurant. After his untimely termination, (did I mention we were a month into full scale lockdown) My Past who’d been actively complaining about how overworked he was decided cooking elaborate meals (Covid cooking) and loafing around the house was the best part of waking up. Getting fired amid a pandemic when the government starts paying an extra $600 weekly probably seems like the way to ride out life…if you’re a teenager with no responsibilities.
Honestly, I would have been more sympathetic if this wasn’t a normal part of our relationship cycle. He was not experiencing pandemic induced job loss. I’m not a banshee but after the 3rd or 4th “new” job, joblessness gets a bit old. My tolerance for the poor decision making hit an all-time low so I told him flatly, the word of the day is J.O.B! And if no job could be procured, you know pandemic, putting the plan in motion for his own restaurant, pop-up shop, food cart or some form of securing money through his gift of food, was all types of necessary. Truth be told, I was less concerned with the money; I’d grown used to “holding it down.” My fear, idle hands, and as we know idle hands are the devil’s workshop. In The Anti Husband’s case, idle hands equated to disaster.
This is but half a window into the house I was living, in early to late May. Now, with a bit more flavor in your ear, let’s tackle the emoticons following the first part of the Dear Faith Letter. Feel free to skip the italics if you’ve suffered through the read. Nosh with me.
From the day I 1st laid eyes on you, I saw and recognized you as the strong super smart and confident leader that you always have been and thru these 8 years I’ve watched you grow that base and mature it into the woman who wins awards and gets recognized as a stand out in her field. To have the focus to be able to combat not only the day to day of that pressure is amazing in itself. Then throw on the tenacity to and wisdom to not want to have but also the recognition and heart to know if not u than who, to throw everything and anyone who is close to u on ur back and carry them along ur journey. Myself included.
The patients and strength it took/takes to meet someone who is far from complete. Shit a person who’s barely even comfortable in their own skin, and be able to dig in and constantly work and pray to build and mold that person. Constantly teaching whether the lesson was excepted in the moment or not always forward pushing.
Lessons of I need my space or my quiet time to a child who’s clingy and lookin for that attachment of protection. Taught me to be quiet and still in the moment.
Lessons of don’t ask me what’s wrong with me it’s annoying, taught me that even though you have the option to put it off on someone else, the end result just hits different when u do it urself.
Soooooo, fuck you Sir! I promise you that was my first response.
Maybe I should get a cookie for raising a grown child. But I never asked for a cookie, I wanted a partner. Not for nothing, I wanted THE partner I was promised when I first met My Past, the man I fell in love with not the child I came to know. I dulled my accomplishments so they’d dimly shine, to avoid overshadowing his lack of masculinity, with my success. This half apology part admission of my sacrifice rang hollow. It felt robotic and emotionless, coming from the sensitive man I thought I knew and loved and who I believed loved me at some point. It was foreign and familiar in a way that had me feeling a way. I fought the urge to dial his phone and tell him he’s a fuckboi.
I didn’t call. I have never actually called My Past anything but his name even in anger. Minus the Bridge event, because there I might have told him he was a stupid motherfucker who owed me the discomfort of a struggling marriage for all the times I’d cried my eyes out praying for how to solve his self-induced problems…on some level I still do think he owes me. He chose to walk away in the middle of a storm under the guise of finding himself while delivering a backhanded apology. Toxic a$$ Negro. More couch time needed? Maybe…
I do not understand how someone eviscerates your life energy, watching you wither to a phantom of where you started and comes in fresh from “inner acting” with other women while selling weed infused juice, composes this masterpiece, rereads it, and still hits send. It burns a little less to read this so far removed from its arrival, but I will not lie. I wanted to be who I was in the past and cuss him the fuck out. You know those good cuss outs women do, where men look like deer in the headlights and apologize later by asking if you want food. That’s what I wanted to do after reading this…but I just couldn’t. And it was at that moment when I couldn’t, that I knew I would never be with My Past again. And yet there is so much more to dissect.
Come back next week for the second part of my response.
How is this tea? Have you ever given so much of yourself in a relationship when you look in the mirror you don’t’ recognize you? Have you supported someone through their dreams only to be abandoned? Have you helped raised your significant other or had your significant other help raise you? How do you know when it’s over over? Is it a single moment or the culmination of a bunch of little moments? Speak on it in the comments and remember to share is to care and hashish?
Ma’am, I am so sorry that you went through this. This is so eloquently and perfectly written. I see so much of my wasted youth in this. Reading along was very therapeutic. Awaiting the next installation.
Thank you so much for coming back. Chile, wasted time is something I am struggling with as I heal from this season of my life. I see so many many many missed opportunities in my rear view that I want to scream. Blame lands in both our houses but honestly I think I’m more upset with me. No one chained me to this person…loyalty and vanity is something I will discuss quite a bit if you stick around for more.
How do you know when it’s over ?
You just know and you don’t turn back!!
I love when you wrote “ Those good cuss out women ….” LMAO 😂
Keep on writing ✍️!!!
I have a funny feeling you’re intimately familiar with the cuss outs I’m talking about. Sometimes it feels good to let that energy out on a person who has disrespected you all types of ways. What I know about myself however, is I have to keep that level of anger contained because as much as I actually love and I mean LOVE cussing people out, it is bad for my day to day. I do not need that negativity back in my lifespace.
Chile….. ………chile……………chile
I love that you are using your voice. I pulled weeds( yes the kind that grow outside) I love you. I am here for your healing. I support you.
Hey Charisse, thanks for blessing my spot here on the internet of things. It honestly is so freeing to be able to write my peace/piece. The more I write the more I see how not alone I was and this has become a healing space for so many people I know personally both in real life and on the world wide web. Appreciate the support immensely, and I hope to see you back next week.
It was the part where you said “I wanted the man I fell in love with” and the “I wanted the partner I was promised! I felt that on sooo many levels. Reading this brought back memories of my past 2 failed relationships, where I felt like I was owed reparations from all the years I invested and the time lost that I can’t get back. I know what it was like to hold someone down and yet still be unappreciated or making it seem like you’re the reasons for all the problems. I was at my breaking point and yes I’ve been there where I didn’t even recognize myself looking in the mirror, I started questioning myself and wondering if I was the reason to the madness, but it took me a minute to realize it wasn’t me; Especially when I would give my all, and all I got was a slap in the face. I can say when you have had enough you know because for me I become numb and what emotions I did have seemed to be gone. The tears stopped flowing, the hurt and anger ceased and the love just died, so when that happened I knew it was time to just let go and move on. I realized you can try change a person all you want, but they will never change unless they want to change for themselves, and that’s where my flaw was in past relationships I stayed so long bc I thought I could change them, and bc the level of comfortability I was afraid of change and starting over. Thank you for sharing and as always can’t wait for next weeks blog!
Hey There Robyn, thank you for blessing my spot here on the web. There is a true word in what becomes comfortable because you’ve been doing it so long even if it’s hurting you. I’m not sure I was trying to change him, but maybe that is an element of what was happening. Honestly I felt like I wanted him to live up to who he said he was or who he said he wanted to be. Maybe that is trying to change someone…or maybe it’s supporting someone you care about…I am still torn. LOL
What I do know is I definitely struggle with letting go of people I chose. Not because of the person per se but it means admitting I made a mistake. This of course does not let the person off the hook for being a terror but as they say takers never know how much taking they do from people who are givers. See you next week.
It’s sad the man you fell in love with isn’t the man you got also the promises that were made weren’t fulfilled. As a married man I can understand falling short and having your woman hold things down but what I’ll never understand is being ok with a woman doing “EVERYTHING”. I remember losing myself in my prior relationship before my marriage, I didn’t recognize myself. I found myself doing everything to please this woman only to the detriment of myself and many of my relationships with the people I love. I was completely dead inside, one Of the worst situations I’ve ever dealt with. You’re such a strong and beautiful woman, it’s sad when grown boys can’t see what they have in front of them and demolish everything that is good. As a man I try to see the other side but there is no other side, reading about this dude pisses me off, he’s the reason good guys get shitted on and bunched in a group of assholes like himself. Little boys running around claiming to be men not knowing how to treat a women let alone be in a relationship.
Welcome Grumpy, LOL. Thanks for taking the time to support little ole me. You hit the nail on the head. If you’re not ready for something it takes nothing to say I can’t do this. Trust me I evaluated whether I could actually be in a committed relationship that came with it’s own set of baggage that I didn’t have well before saying I do. Hell just a couple of months before meeting My Past I told Modeling Mom that I didn’t even think I wanted to be in that type of relationship long term. Jokes on me, I took a gamble on a fake nice guy.
I will never understand how anyone, man or woman, is comfortable essentially being a squatter in a relationship of their choosing. But as the saying goes, users gone use.
UGGGGGHHH!! I hate this so much. Thanks for continuing to share Faith!..that is all. The Grumpy Gardner actually took a few words out my mouth. Especially his very last sentence!
Welcome back C-Necessary. I will continue to share until I have nothing else to say. Since I have opinions about everything we both know I’ll be writing my truth for some time to come. I can’t understand why someone would want to pretend to be something they’re not outside of pure selfishness. Since I’m not that type of person it’s hard to wrap my head around how someone can be that comfortable with being terrible, respectfully.
Cuz this is some good writing. For me how I know it’s over in a relationship or any relationship. I know it’s over when I cant and No longer can fight or defend your actions that caused me to pull away. I am very loyal to the people I love and care about I want to see them win. I had to learn to stop putting the people I love in front of what’s in front of me and make excuses for them and realize the pattern.
Hey Mike, thanks for supporting my little blog that could. I tend to agree with you. When you can no longer fight for the person or even want to fight out the problem you have to be able to throw in the towel. It’s tough for people like you and me whose loyalty runs so deep. People definitely take that level of kindness for weakness. Someone once said it is always the loss of the person who scorned you, but that doesn’t make up for the time given away to someone who didn’t deserve it.
Hope to see you back next week.
There is a theme here and it seems to be that we do not see their true selves (for the lack of showing, no doubt) until we are so well invested that we have to give it every ounce of our “make it work” mentality until there just is no more. I feel your pain!
Welcome back Pam, I think there is some truth to that. I can’t say I didn’t see all of the signs that led me to leave My Past. The ones I hated the most, I definitely never thought he’d do to me. In some way I thought I was above the characteristics he’d shown to his family and friends…clearly I was wrong. There is no amount of being “special” that can change the true nature of a person. I learned that lesson the hard way.
Wow this is book material. Well growing up with you I always knew you were extremely smart but we never really actually sat down and talked. Faith I wish you nothing but future happiness and success. I can’t wait to read the next installment. This is Brandon from the block.
Hey Brandon (I know who you are lol), thank you for stopping by my small section of this here internet. A lot of people are telling me this is book. It probably is but I like this way of telling my story…at least for now. You never know what the future holds though, maybe it’s an extended lifetime movie special, LOL. Please do check back in next week.
Wow, this really resonated with me. I’ve absolutely been the sponsor, social worker, dream-weaver, and cheer leader for someone I loved…more than once. It was exhausting and did so much damage to my finances that I’m still recovering. I know that I deserved better but it took a long time for that to sink in. I don’t blame myself for loving so purely but I’ve learned that only you need to fix yourself; the love of a good woman is not enough.
Welcome back Holli, thanks for the return visit to my little space on the interwebs. I do really plan to dissect why I stayed. It’s the elephant in the room right. I don’t want to give away anything that I write about in this weeks installment but I do want you to know I feel seen and I see you. I am someone who gives because I don’t know how else to be especially for people I purposely let into my circle. I feel a strong sense of responsibility toward people I love even if that is not reciprocated, but that is also part of my story and my journey. I hope you come back for the third week of this journey.
It’s just so hard to believe when someone shows you who they are sometimes isn’t it?
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