Welcome back Faithfuls. I hope you took a minute to reflect where we left off last week. If you missed any part of the story, I suggest starting here before going forward.
After the dust settled at the close of 2020, I had a lot of time to reflect on how our together forever but not really came to a crashing holt. If you’re true to this, you’re screaming about colorful memories I detailed on these e-streets to get us here. They shine light on the circumstances however underneath the happenings sit the cancer that rotted our relationship at its core…careless communication, flawed finances, and subpar secks. The romantics among you want me to talk about love and love exists as the glue that binds folk together formidably, but the foundation of any romantic relationship needs to involve the three-legged stool, or the glue has nowhere to reside. What stands out even more in our together forever but not really, the entire trifecta rested on my back. I get it, I’m naturally what some might call an Alpha. In most facets of my life, I’m required to run shit. But what if I told you that wasn’t what I needed in my home. If I’m being honest, I don’t agree with the moniker Alpha because it implies an invisible hierarchy that I never subscribed to. Partnership should be a love language instead My Past fought my natural talents, resisted my strength, and disregarded where I required him to stand tall. He behaved as a Beta when I needed a complimentary Alpha.
Once the downhill motion of a relationship’s finality picks up speed it becomes quite hard to redirect. My stifled tongue owns a small portion of our ultimate collision. Oftentimes I held back what I needed to say. I witnessed his fragility and sidelined my directness to avoid hurting feelings because I know he lacked the ability to handle critique. It is not mean I repeat IS NOT FUCKING MEAN to call out the bullshit. True, cradle it with grace but it’s absolutely necessary to say it. And if it comes out wrong, apologize for how you said the thing but don’t keep it caged. We all require supportive tongues but sideline cheering your partner who’s actively chasing chaos breeds discontent and bottom line everyone does not deserve a trophy all the time. Your partner in crime should be able to tell you, your shit stinks, respectfully. I don’t have enough bricks for the walls I hit trying to effectively break through to My Past.
After a while I gave up trying to find new ways to say the same thing. I admit to not knowing how to deliver the messages needed in a way he could receive them simply as constructive criticism and not indictments, so I stopped altogether. I never yelled or invoked the trauma of name calling because I knew and respected My Past’s triggers…but I know how to serve condescension with ease. It oozes from my mouth as easily as hello to a stranger, sometimes without even noticing. I fucks with sarcasm heavy. I know this about myself and for the entirety of our time I worked hard to pull it back. Truth is, at times I failed and probably more often than I care to admit. But toward the end when love no longer bound us, I didn’t care to avoid it. That is my wrong and I take full accountability for it. No one deserves a respect-less tongue and I’m sure there are moments when My Past felt this from me.
As much as I didn’t want to hurt his feelings even after the 2018 impossible ask truthfully…I flat out didn’t and presently have no respect for My Past. I opened my eyes each day to a child at best. It created a sense of emotional, physical, and sexual detachment. I found it impossible to perform the way attracted people do when none existed. Another thing I kept to myself for fear of throwing a dagger that would wound My Past deeply. There is very little way to make your body do what your heart doesn’t want. And not for nothing secks was the last place I wanted to be Alpha. Asking him to stand up in this area felt like he never knew me, like he’d never touched me. Every encounter with him felt foreign. Imagine my surprise/horror/sadness kissing my husband and feeling dead inside. I’d hear Tamia’s playing in my head waiting for him to quickly finish.
It took a while to figure out
You can’t be who you say you are
You gotta be someone else
‘Cause he wouldn’t touch me like that
And he wouldn’t treat me like you do
He would adore me, he wouldn’t ignore me
So I’m convinced there’s a stranger in my house
What stands out most in these lyrics, maybe the stranger was me. Not only did I want more for me I deserved more. The 2018 impossible ask shone a long-ignored light, that as long as I would allow it, My Past would never grow out of infancy. I remember attempting to help him with his finances and saying flatly, if you don’t have enough money to cover your basic needs, you’re going to have to find a second job. As Marine OG would say, oatmeal is better than no meal. My Past responded by saying that he was above working a second job…clearly his bank account felt differently. Carrying the relationship financially wasn’t entirely an issue. I recognized that ability and opportunity placed us in different spaces in our lives. Additionally, I fully supported his dream of being a chef, hell I gifted him 8 years of cushion. I could swallow that he was never going to accomplish his dream. It was the total disregard for the responsibility of our family. Where was the care? It was unimaginable that an adult man proudly walked around gloating on a life a woman curated. It’s the absence of partnership for me. He lacked the tenacity of an Alpha.
If we subscribe to outdated gender roles, My Past should have been wearing an apron and had my dinner ready when I walked in the door. Respectfully, how do you tell a grown in age man he emotes and behaves femininely? I didn’t and still don’t have the words to not make this hit as an insult. Generally speaking, a man eventually pisses standing up. It’s true my barometer could be off, I grew up with a man who loved in sweet nothings, fists, gifts, and harsh words yet this never stopped him from doing what men do, PROVIDE FOR THEIR FAMILIES. At the very least I needed to feel The Anti-Husband’s PROTECTION. FUCK effort…instead I was walking alone. Supporting your man eventually becomes carrying a child when dreams don’t match ambition. Outside of eating organic veggies and keeping his car clean, I can’t tell you what motivates My Past. Most other men I know rank family, money, and pu$$y high, but The Anti-Husband squandered all three. Resentment and on a real level disgust loosened the love binding the trifecta. I cannot love a man I don’t respect. And once the glue dissolved none of the legs were strong enough to stand alone so our together forever but not really completely collapsed.
On some level I do not blame him for leaving because there was no reason to stay. Intent versus impact is the real issue…sometimes it’s the how you do things not the what you do. But what says you Faithfuls, what three things do you believe keep a romantic relationship thriving? Speak on it in the comments, in the meantime, and between time, please share, like, comment, and subscribe…isn’t that what we do on this here interweb. As always there’s more where this came from so stay tuned for the next installment where I share lessons learned.
Remember to share is to care and hashish.
As always – a great read !!!
What three things do I believe keeps a romantic relationship thriving?
Being a more mature women – the gentlemen would need to have “God” first in his life. Tell your partner often why you love them and don’t forget to have date days/nights. Spend time with each other without any interruptions (cell phones/play stations). I have more but I think you get the message – you have to stay connected and leave all the outside stuff (outside) and just concentrate on loving each other.
Well I’ve said enough – until next time “Faithfuls” – keep sipping 🍷 🍵 ☕️
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For me the top 3 things that keep a romantic relationship thriving…
1. Consistency- always making sure you express your appreciation and love for one another.
2. Time- make sure you take time together whether it’s going out to dinner, watching a movie together, a simple check in, etc.
3. Always being open to new ideas- not being afraid to try something new with your partner even if it is outside the box. You never know until you try
Nothing else sucks more than being in an unfulfilled situationship where your needs aren’t continually being met. As always thank you for sharing