Welcome back Faithfuls. I hope you took a minute to reflect where we left off last week. What I’d like to say before we get into the getting into, fuck 2020 and the set it claims. With that out of the way, let’s roll back in time to January 8th, 2020. I recall that day better than any other in my memory bank. It’s the day the balls I juggled crashed to the ground. Picture me sitting in a loaner from the car dealership when I receive a call from Wander Bread’s doctor. I can’t tell you the exact words because they’re so jumbled in my mind against my own thoughts and feels. Essentially the doctor told me to find my mom immediately and take her to the closest emergency room because she was in full scale kidney failure. You know on TV when they show you someone’s heart beating by moving the camera in and out of focus and there’s a throbbing sound, that shit is real. I parked the car and cried for 2 minutes. That’s my process if I’m alone.
The first order of business was to find Wander Bread. Her doctor let me know that she’d stopped answering calls and her voicemail was full. Out loud with myself in the car, I yelled this woman wants me to kill her. Dramatics I know but I literally needed to put some of the feels in the air to avoid them swallowing me whole. Luckily, or fate may have it, or because I don’t know if Wander Bread fully processed all that was happening to her, as I was walking into the building to explain to my Director why I needed to leave immediately, so was my mom. She’d decided instead of calling me to tell me she needed a ride to the emergency room she would ignore all phone calls, neglect her full voicemail, and hop on a train where all cell reception was dead to tell me in person. Her reasoning, because I might receive the information better that way. It was like this woman didn’t know me.
If I’m being honest, I believe Wander Bread was scared and did what came naturally, going to work. Although as I came to learn later, my mother had stopped going to work regularly. She’d been “working from home” for over a year because she could barely get out of the bed. The weight of that admission hadn’t hit me just yet, but it would. I caught her walking into the building, ushered her back to the double-parked car, and told her not to move. I’d already cleared things with her boss, and I was running upstairs to square things with mine. With little time to process much of anything I drove my mom to the ER visit that would change the rest of our lives.
As soon as we entered the hospital, I tried to prepare Wander Bread for her worst-case scenario, she wasn’t coming home. And not only was she not coming home, she was getting ready for the extended stay. She wasn’t thrilled…by midnight she’d been given every kind of drug you can imagine attempting to bring her stroke level blood pressure into normal range, it barely budged. Her fate, resting uneasily in a private room, in the fucking Intensive Care Unit. That was the first time I legitimately thought, just for a moment, that Wander Bread would die. The whole of that thought never took full control because I had to prepare my siblings, square away Wander Bread’s employment situation, and figure out how I could finagle working from a hospital for the foreseeable future. Proudly or vainly I crushed those tasks before telling my mom goodnight that evening.
And until Superbowl Sunday working from the hospital was my life. I’d wake up early, get some face time in the office, leave midday to get to the hospital to catch the morning doctors to get my mom’s prognosis, and drive home close to midnight exhausted both mentally and physically, almost every fucking day for an entire month. The exceptions? I’m glad you asked. Every Saturday when I spent 2-3hours cleaning my house from top to bottom, 2 days when I literally had to be in the office until 5PM, and the weekend The Bestie and Nursie Poo helped me de-hoard-a-fy Wander Bread’s house that had gotten the absolute best of her as she struggled barely getting out of bed.
Auto Pilot was in full effect. In those moments of absolute crisis while I watched my mom cycle through illness, depression, anxiety, drug induced seizures and a host of other things I struggle describing because I’ve compartmentalized how her sickness impacted me, all I needed was the person who promised to love me…to SHOW UP! Instead the memory that’s fixated in my head from that time about My Past, coming home one gut wrenching evening describing how I’d held my mom in my arms screaming at the top of my lungs for a nurse while she seized to what I believed would be her death. The Anti Husband stopped me mid thought to tell me about yet another disagreement he’d had with his Stepfather at the restaurant and asked my opinion on how to fix it. To his credit, about halfway through his rundown of the day, he did say something like, hey you were talking about your mom, right? I stood there motionless for a minute…I remember giving some cookie cutter advice and walking away thinking I married a fucking monster. I may have hated him at that moment. The feeling was fleeting, hate’s terrible for the complexion. But I’ll stop there and let you read the last part of his letter to me because you’re now more in tune with almost all my feels when I received it. As always, if you’ve suffered enough, skip the italics and read my response.
1 of those experiences is being free in myself to interact comfortably with women whether it leads to sex or not. That lack of experience is the lesson that has always fleed me. I do not want to be married to anyone else but the woman I committed to making my wife. However this lesson is one that I’ve always felt I needed. Whether it’s it’s the lesson that shows no other woman equates to you, whether it’s the lesson of these hoes ain’t nothing but trouble. Or most importantly is the lesson of being comfortable in urself while being out all on ur own with no safety vest, or clean up crew to put u together when ur broken. The lesson that shows me the ability to use my talent for communication and being likeable by all to take over a board room or a conference hall. Bcuz that level of confidence is only instilled in a man thru concur not concurring coochie but concurring my own fear and learning how to fuck up in a moment by talkin myself out of the P-Valley but bein quick witted enough to spin it back and close the deal. It may sound dumb to u but u have to acknowledge that if a dude can recover from a full walk out from a female acquaintance and still close the deal, then no board room or business deal stand a chance against the conference, showmanship, and strength created in that experience.
I could go further but I think u get the point,so I’ll finish up with this clear statement of exactly what I want.
I want my wife to be everything she always has been to and for me like nothing bad ever happened. Now obviously that’s not even possible cuz clearly shit happened and is happening. I see that currently all I’m doin is causing u hurt and anguish and that’s on top off all the other life shit ur dealing with. So even in wanting to be with u I see that it’s best for both of us to have this time apart 1 so that u don’t have to worry about me and my pressure so that u can then turn and focus ur efforts to ur mom and urself. Now u may say that it’s not fair cuz u always were there to help me. But u kno if I stay I’ll do nothing but add more weight.
And 2 so that I can grow in myself to finish developing. Yes I want the option to behave freely and inner act with other women, bcuz I need that. It’s the a statement on the highest level of selfishness. But I’ve come to the realization that in this life there are times where u have to be selfish so that u can grow out of that comfort zone, in order to come back selflessly and take ur seat next to ur queen to provide and rule with knowledge, wisdom, confidence, love, and compassion.
I would never disrespect u by creeping around with some other broad. Which is why I asked for this separatation so I can grow without the guilt of pain caused to you. I don’t want to lose communication with you and and don’t want a divorce.
This is the most honest I’ve ever been. And I’m glad I didn’t say anything yesterday when u wanted me to cuz I know it would not have come out clear and concise. Another lesson I got from u.
This is not easy for me to do bcuz I do love u and don’t want to hurt u. But u also trained me to make a decision and stand tall on it. This is the full truth of what I want and need.
If u want to remain married work on our relationship and allow me this freedom well than by all means I’m in, but that’s ur decision and I’m not asking u to make it. Which is why I asked for the separation.
I do love u, and in whatever fashion this plays out I know we’ll always be together.
This part of the letter, while disgusting on its face is also just absurd. It’s not the first time he’d mentioned his need to chase the ladies. So, in some respect it came as no surprise. The last time he’d mentioned this, however, we were dating just about a year and recently admitted we were in love, so I cried a little to myself on a business flight to LA. This time, I laughed. Is it wrong to wish your husband well as he dabbles in the heauxs? It’s my sincerest hope he’s found a pucci(s) so good that when he tossed it in the air, it turned to pure sunshine. Mine had long since called it quits for him so on some level, I guess he deserved it.
My Past is a walking contradiction wrapped in a cherubim smile. He oozed selfishness at a time when my need for a spouse was on high. But I get it. It’s the one time in our marriage where my focus wasn’t squarely on him and he needed to do work. Due to his abbreviated capacity, he responded the only way he knew how, to run and try to become an over-sized pale-skinned Goldie but he isn’t the Mack, so I’d say he left because he’s a coward. I wonder if he’d feel my same level of contempt for him if I bailed on him when his world was in shambles. To add insult to injury at the height of my personal storm he told me to my face he was in the best mental space he’d ever been in his life. Maybe I married a fucking monster. Admittedly, I could be in my feelings. You can’t blame someone for being who they are. Takers will consume you until they have feasted on all your life’s energy and blame you when you’re depleted with nothing left to give. It takes the highest levels of audacity to tell the person you committed your life to you’d rather frolic with whores and sell weed infused juice because it’s your new dream when the life you committed to is on fire. He doesn’t have loyalty inside his DNA, respectfully.
But what says you Faithfuls? Has your significant other ever suggested a separation so he or she could dabble in the heauxs? How do you think you would respond? Do you think it’s possible for a marriage to survive some of these layers of betrayal? Is there ever a right time to be selfish in a marriage? What part of the letter had you most in your feels? After this, what would your next step be? I’ll tell you all about mine next Wednesday. Don’t forget to join me for the newest installment. In the meantime, and between time, please share, like, comment, and subscribe…isn’t that what we do on this here interweb.
Remember to share is to care and hashish.
“Takers will consume you until they have feasted on all your life’s energy and blame you when you’re depleted with nothing left to give. ”
My ex in a nutshell 🤷🏽♀️ My question is: does your Past now know about that frightful day with Wander Bread? If so, has he apologized for being such an insensitive jerk?
Welcome back Faithful. Soooo this letter was part of his apology tour. Does it feel like an apology to you? What I will say is that I truly believe My Past to be absolutely oblivious to how others feel despite his sensitivities. And I am even more sure he believes he did apologize and that his behavior wasn’t repulsive. We clearly believe two different things.
I’m also doubly sorry to hear your ex suffered from a similar affliction. You and your Forever, however, give me hope that there are men out there who don’t have these same shortcomings. Hope to see you back next week for the next installment.
Your ex-husband is like a parasite – a person or organism that takes from or exploits others, giving nothing in return. I’m happy you had the strength/ courage to walk/run away. Now, it’s your time to do “You.”
Keep writing ✍️ – I’ll be back next week!!
Welcome back Faithful. Well tell us how you really feel, lol! Parasite is a strong word but I can fully appreciate why you see him this way. It’s not as hard to relive these experiences these days so far removed. They sting a little less every time. I’ve actually forgiven My Past. I just can never forget how he disregarded me knowing the other things he did show his attention. What I know for sure he cared about, making sure he drank spring water and having his car cleaned. The rest of life, you know the important things, I can’t pinpoint. Hopefully the stint as a weed juice salesman will be his thing. It remains to be seen if he can fully appreciate what it means to be a good brother, friend, father, or husband.
Yes please join me here next week for the newest installment.
First off just wow, if strength was a person Faith, it would def be you. To have what seemed like the weight of the world on your shoulders, and still persevere through all the chaos you were going through that day is amazing. I felt that just taking 2minutes to cry and then boom back to making shyt happen. I’ve been there plenty of times.
Yes I have had a significant other ask for space, the infamous oh let’s take a break so we can take some time and see if we really are meant to be together, or the let’s just take a break meaning now it’s my chance to be out here phucking diff girls freely so I don’t have to feel guilty about cheating instead. Once you take a break there is no coming back in my opinion, so if you decide to leave me just know it’s no coming back, because you had your chance so if the heauxs take priority over me baby you can have them all permanently.
This part of the letter had me hot, “so that I can grow in myself to finish developing. Yes I want the option to behave freely and inner act with other women, bcuz I need that. (Like why do you NEED that? Why? Don’t you think that was something you needed to do before committing and saying “I do”?) It’s the a statement on the highest level of selfishness. But I’ve come to the realization that in this life there are times where u have to be selfish so that u can grow out of that comfort zone, in order to come back selflessly and take ur seat next to ur queen to provide and rule with knowledge, wisdom, confidence, love, and compassion. (You can’t grow from being selfish, smh if you plant a seed and it didn’t get the water it needed, or the sun or natural light would it ever grow?!?! No it would just sit there buried underneath all those layers of dirt never reaching its full potential.
I don’t think that I could survive those layers of betrayal moving fwd in a marriage, because for me I could never move past the betrayal in itself. You can forgive but you don’t forget and me personally every disagreement etc I would always find a way to bring up the past betrayal. That sense of trust and security would be all out the window for me, and without that there is no more marriage, bc their would be no real value or meaning behind the word for me in regards to a commitment except a piece of legal document that ties both of our signatures.
I do think once you’re married you kinda put all your selfish ways to the side bc once you agree to be married you’re no longer allowed to have that single mindset you have to say to yourself how or would this have a negative or positive impact on the both of us.
Welcome back Faithful. We seem to be of similar mind. The forgiveness is there but I can never forget some of these things. I’ve honestly been treated better by people who cared (at least by their admission) a lot less for me. It is hard to believe a person is capable of loving you who can see you down and decides to kick you in the gut. That is not me saying anyone should stay in a marriage, however, there are ways to go about it that are a lot better than how he went about it.
If I am being honest, I think men believe (based on conversation) that they need a full on heaux stage in their life. I have to assume My Past never experienced it, by his own admission. I am also fully aware that no man has ever told me that this period in their life made them better people nor did it prepare them for being better husbands or leaders in the boardroom. My Past is delusional about life in many ways. I’d laugh but it’s actually sad for a number of reasons. I hope to see you back next week for the newest installment.
All I can say is wow. Actually reading his words made me sick to my stomach. The audacity!! I mean I knew some of this, but to actually read and feel momentarily the pain you must have felt while reading his words for the first time is inexplicable. My friend, you are so resilient and I truly admire your strength and vulnerability in sharing this journey with us. It’s sure to help another woman know she is not alone in trials and tribulations, and for me it’s a reminder to always know and stand firm in my own self worth.
Hey Friend I put it out there so that someone else can learn where I fell down. Marriage is tough. One of things I learned in counseling was that when someone shows you what they need, you dig in. I thought I was digging in for a lot of my marriage but the shovel was squarely in my own back. A marriage cannot work if there is only one person digging. I am also fully aware that there will be times when one person is giving more, that should not happen consistently for 8 years. Marriage and relationships in general are more than going to couple parties, hosting holidays functions, and watching joint shows. The real marriage is in the small moments of crisis when a person steps up and steps in.
I hate that I am sometimes so resilient if I am being honest. I want to be a person moving forward who is very open about where I am emotionally without the barrier of being strong. I want more people to see me because I see them. If I were more open to more people I would have realized I wasn’t alone.
Friend I hope to see you back next week. It will remain raw but I hope it also remains helpful.
Ma’am, my heart hurts from reading this one. My dad passed from Pancreatic Cancer that started attacking his kidneys, my mom was diagnosed with kidney disease 2 years ago and it is really bad now, and my husband was diagnosed with it last month, so I know what you are going through in that aspect. Hugs and love you.
Now, how dare he? Like for real? I’ve been to the restaurant several times(like once a week) It really seems like he comes from good people, how can he just be such a shallow, narcissistic, self-centered waste? I wanted to say “waste of a man” but I refuse to call him such. He really needs to be stabbed or hit with a bat or something.
To answer your question:
Has your significant other ever suggested a separation so he or she could dabble in the heauxs? I wish a MF would!
How do you think you would respond? Umm, stab him in the neck.
Do you think it’s possible for a marriage to survive some of these layers of betrayal? The preacher’s daughter in me wants you to say “yes. If the offender is truly repentant the marriage can be repaired. However, the Miranda in me says “Hell No”, I’ll never be able to trust you again even if I do forgive you, which knowing me, I won’t.
Is there ever a right time to be selfish in a marriage? Yes, if you bought a pint of Haggen Daaz for you and you don’t want to share. But if you want to be selfish why be married?
What part of the letter had you most in your feels? ” But u also trained me to make a decision and stand tall on it. This is the full truth of what I want and need.
If u want to remain married work on our relationship and allow me this freedom well than by all means I’m in, but that’s ur decision and I’m not asking u to make it. Which is why I asked for the separation.” First off, I’m not your momma or daddy, I’m not here to train you to be a man. Second, what a selfish ass! I said it before and I’ll say it again. He. Needs. To. Be. Stabbed!
After this, what would your next step be? Bounce on to the next one.
Welcome back Faithful,
First I need to say that I am sending prayers and positive vibes your way for your family. I know what it feels like to be a caretaker. It is a lot of work and it exhausts you in a way that is hard for others to understand fully if they have never been there.
Second, I mean tell us how you really feel, LOL. I’m not an advocate for violence so I haven’t and won’t stab, hit with a bat, or claw out eyeballs. It’s just not my way. And he does come from good stock. I love his family with an intensity that will never die, I just know my place. I am the ex and that is his his blood family. No matter what he’s done to me, he is still theirs to keep. I miss them…a lot.
It’s the cavalier way he said if you want to allow me this freedom…I know it is. He actually read that back to himself and was like yup, gotta send it just like this. He is stoopid (intentional misspelling – gotta make sure folks know). It is callous and thoughtless. Look I am the last one to think that marriage turns off the thing that makes you a man or woman. If he thinks I never saw another man and thought damn I wonder. The difference is when those things happened my integrity as a person and my loyalty to my marriage stood in place of momentary lust. We all aren’t built that way. He would be one of those people. I also suspect he’s never been sought after in that way. I won’t give up too much of what we’ll visit next week. I hope to see you back for the next installment.
I’ve been reading your blog and seeing so much of myself. I remember when their dad left, while I was outraged and hurt, I was also partially relieved. I, too, stayed for a myriad of reasons that made no sense to anyone other than me.
When I gave birth to our daughter, as I laid on the ground (I give birth at home for context) still waiting to push my placenta out; he told me he had plans that evening that he couldn’t change. He looked at me like I was supposed to take care of 2 toddlers, my newborn AND recover while he attended to something that ultimately was NOT important.
Their dad had a variety of women over the course of our 16 year relationship…apparently one lasting 10 years he told me as he called me a stupid bitch for staying with him.
So yea……I understand. I suppose reading this, allows me to lose the final chains I have had mentally. Thank you.
First, welcome back Faithful. Second OMFG. I read your response three times and it does not get any easier. I am sure on some level he felt fully and wholly justified in saying that to you. It never ceases to amaze me the levels someone will go to “unintentionally” hurt someone else. Has to be mental illness right?Were you told that he never learned how to be a man or no one ever taught him how to be responsible? I was like yeah so that is no excuse for being a maniac.
At a certain point what was happening became so unbelievable to me I put a lot of that stuff inward. I really started to think it was me. Did he ever give you a “reason” why he kept coming back?
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When I originally heard this story it was slightly better than reading the words because it hurt a little less for some reason. It’s hard not to hate this fat bastard but what would be the point? He already has enough problems that clearly are not being dealt with.
It takes a real trash ass animal to do this type of shxt!
LSTS welcome to my spot on this here interweb. You have been down the road with me so I appreciate you taking the time to read the words. I know they trigger. I would be lying if I said hating him isn’t the easiest default. But I can’t hate him, it’s very hard to hate a person who you know at their core is troubled. It doesn’t negate his trash ass behavior but it comes from a place of ill formed adulthood. He is a child in a man’s body just trying to live out a 90’s gansta movie or a hip hop music video. How can you hate that person, they’re laughable.
This is the most ridiculous shit I think I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t do a thing but give him permission to go forth & prosper. Slip & fall at the pound, Sir… get all this ‘nanny you want or need. We pray your coins match your prophylactic needs so that you don’t mess around & grow another human in the midst of growing & developing into a grown adult.
Sis, you have been deliverT. The journey may be painful & full of disbelief but your arrival will be sweet. Wishing you a refreshing glass of goddess-type nectar to quench your thirst as you giggle about being saved. Lemme #harryup & share this so no one else has to endure what you have.
Hey Hey A-Weezy, thanks for blessing my spot on Al Gore’s internet with your voice. Chile the road has been tough for sure but I am definitely on the other side of it. Believe it or not being in the thing was far worse than being out of it. Would you believe me if I told you that I had a dream he got some random pregnant, that is fully in his ministry. And since he’s always wanted more children let’s wish him the best in his future endeavors.
Yes please share it with the folks, someone needs to learn what to avoid and not in the way I’ve had to learn. Hoping to see and hear more of you as the story unfolds. What if I told you there’s another letter…
I can most relate to the narcissistic behavior that reared its head when you needed support the most. I lived with a narcissist for many years and I was always amazed how EVERYTHING revolves around them. Kudos for saving yourself a lifetime of that.