Anti-Husband!
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Welcome back Faithfuls. I hope you took a minute to reflect where we left off last installment. If you missed any part of the story I suggest starting here before going forward.
Truth be told, I don’t miss My Past. At first it scared me. It made me question whether I ever loved him. I say that because every man with whom I share a soul tie, has left an indent. There was a sharpness I felt in their absence. There was something about their leaving or my going that stirred doubt and a sense that maybe I jumped a little too soon. I didn’t feel that pinch even when I woke early and walked my dogs, his ask in my love language. It’s been cold and rainy. Still, I never once thought I wish The Anti Husband was here. It’s for that reason and others that I know I’ve made the right decision. It didn’t come to me easy. Despite what you read here I’ve struggled for the better part of three years trying to pull the trigger.
During that time, I know I wasn’t the worse, but I probably wasn’t the best wife either. I wish I’d served My Past a lesson in treating people the way you want to be treated. I didn’t and I know it’s petty to think that…but we all fall short of the glory. I’ve never once confessed perfection. Granted you’re supposed to love someone the way they need to be loved, but I stopped actively loving The Anti Husband a while ago and since this is the trust tree, I know that he never loved me. I was an extended stop on the road to his next prey. If nothing more, I existed as the person he consumed until I was unable to give. I say that with ease today because I can accept that users use, but what I know for sure, a man takes care of what he loves without exception. I can’t say The Anti Husband took care of me. There’s no conclusion to reach besides, HE DIDN’T LOVE ME…at least not the way a husband needs to love a wife.
A few years ago, those thoughts drove a knife through me in a way that left me silently crying nights while he slept peacefully. I wrestled with myself and held such anger within wondering why I devoted the best thotting and bopping years of my lifespace to someone who should have been left on read. I struggled outward and inwardly. I’m sure there were times when My Past could sense my unsettled spirit through passing hellos and obligatory secks. Oddly enough, I found some level of comfort in the discomfort of a fucked-up relationship which truth be told mimicked the lives of the women I saw growing up. A relationship can’t operate in the good all the time. Hell, pre-marital counseling taught me during tough times to dig in that much more. There’s some serious couch time, virtual or otherwise, needed to dissect the why behind the acceptance of a thing that brings you pain, and I should have questioned why any professional would preach to me to endure it. I witnessed the light go dim in Wander Bread’s eyes by the hands of a man as a pre-teen and truthfully, I don’t know that she’s ever fully recaptured it. It’s that loss of light that I prayed to avoid in my adulthood yet still fell into the unbalanced love trappings of a fake family man. I am truly a product of how I was raised.
When I met My Past, no one could have told me he wasn’t the most amazing dad, the best uncle, greatest son, ultimate brother, and ride or die friend. I admired these qualities and felt they mirrored how I approached the world I wanted to build and share with my forever. None of my other suitors provided the family I craved. What I loved about My Past more than anything else was the family vibes he gave off when we were together. He remains the only man I ever had a real conversation with about kids. Y’all know my ovaries are no country for wayward man swimmers so this was A LOT. My decision remained unchanged, but I was open to the possibility with My Past and at some point, on our journey together, strongly considered birthing his child. Plus, I had My Bonus Son. I finally felt comfortable in my life, nestled in the cocoon of the family we created. I adored our family more than anything I’ve ever loved in life.
My Past shattered that image about two years ago, reminding me why I don’t dream. It ripped a hole in my spirit and re-opened family wounds surrounding the loss of my parents as parents. It’s a wound so deep I’m not sure there’s anything that can fill it. After My Past had a falling out with his ex I lost time with My Bonus Son in a way that gnawed at me. I found solace in traveling. I’d book work outings, leave early and stay late to avoid the childless walls that no longer echoed My Bonus Son’s laughter. I never shared this with the Anti Husband. How could I? I was too busy shouldering everything else in our life including nursing his wounds, supporting pipe dreams, providing a dry shoulder for man tears, propping up a deflated but inflated ego, couching all our finances, and listening to the pain life caused in him. But I needed a shoulder too! I needed to seek comfort in the man I married but he never asked how I felt about this loss, and I never told.
As sensitive to his own emoticons as the Anti Husband is, he never made room for mine, not in any meaningful way that gave me security or confidence, so I kept them caged and unsettled. My Past found a way to negatively internalize everything I shared so I bottled even more. He might ask if I liked his outfit, and I’d say yes, I think it’s nice, but I would switch the shoes. Somehow that meant I no longer found him attractive. It grew tiring constantly reassuring and talking him through molehills he morphed into mountains. Maybe he felt things deeper than me? I don’t know. I admit to being emotionally unavailable for most, but for My Past I opened my entire emotional reservoir. Over time, he drained without refilling every basin. Before long I realized that even if I shared, The Anti-Husband flat out didn’t listen and had no capacity to ease my hurt and even more cruel, he didn’t care enough to try. Those five things, my minor little acts of service to show love how I need to receive it, they didn’t matter. He was careless and his excuse that he never learned the importance of consistency rang hollow at his big age. Resentment grew in the space where love used to reside, my light began to drain, and I could feel it. Some saw it, but never spoke up.
Our bridge conversation coupled with the Dear Faith Letter topped the pile of I don’t fucking love you that held space in our marriage. About a week or two after the Bridge he pulled up to my house with a U-haul to grab 5 contractor bags of clothes and incidentals, a bachelor pad leather sectional, and an oversized television. We didn’t share much conversation. Marine OG was there to ensure it remained at a minimum and minus My Past trying to give back his birthday dog and not hand over all of my keys, the day went smoothly. When the door closed for good, I hoped it would be our last physical interaction…it wasn’t. For someone who told me he was leaving to live his dream, I can’t adequately wrap my brain around his random but not so random follow up phone calls, voice messages, texts…and a second letter. The Anti-Husband residuals linger in my space making it impossible to miss who’s not fully gone. It’s not clear to me if his reach backs are about staying attached or if he’s just that fucking toxic a person, one who consciously enjoys ripping the seal off a wound so it can’t properly heal. His level of toxicity involves wishing me well but telling me he doesn’t care if I respond. In my mind I’m thinking, ok, Light Skin Future Vandross. But I know he wants me to respond. I know he craves the interaction I have no interest in giving…so I don’t.
Since the bridge, he has never once asked me how I feel, only if I want to go through with the divorce. Each reach back exists as a smaller or larger version of telling me how he feels and what he wants. Another reminder that I was his wife, but he was never my husband. Maybe he needs more hugs. Maybe…I don’t know but I do know that I’m no longer responsible for those feels and for that I’m grateful. It never ceases to amaze me that a person who pushes you to the edge acts surprised when you fall off the cliff. But what says you Faithfuls, what level of toxic is your most toxic ex? Do you know why you stayed with him/her? If given the opportunity would you tell them where they had you fucked up, have you told them? Did they receive it well? Did it end up with buck nekkid secks like a true amazingly toxic relationship? Or did it end up like mine, on bridge with a man child telling you he’s in the best mental space of his entire life at a couple months shy of 37 with nowhere to live but a family member’s couch? No matter which way it ended, don’t forget to join me next Wednesday, for the newest installment. In the meantime, and between time, please share, like, comment, and subscribe…isn’t that what we do on this here interweb.
Remember to share is to care and hashish.
It’s so funny how they always try to leave a mark, keep popping back trying to seem relevant. It’s so funny I remember so clearly my most toxic relationship, the one resulting in my reason, one of my most precious gifts, my son.. I was with my sons dad for 6 years and the last two was a blur because I stuck around because although I knew that he would never marry me I thought love would overcome and then my son came and said I decided to try to make it work, only until he started accusing me of cheating and I started waking up to conversations of him talking on the phone at 4 o’clock in the morning “to one of his male friends” and I knew that I had to find my own worth in order for someone else to love me the way I craved to be loved. I knew that the accusations was to cover up his own wrongs and that was ok.. the thing that really threw me for a loop was when I broke up with him after a few days it started to feel so good to be able to build my confidence and to find my worth to never accept the things that I did in that relationship again.. once he found out that I found someone else he came around less hurting his relationship with his son, but he never ceased to popp up every 6 months or so to “check on his son” or to see what I was doing.. it wasn’t until I got married that he realized it was really over.. then he took another year to get over that before he popped up married with another baby and to start being a consistent part of our son’s life..
Welcome Glover, I hope to see you back here again. I still do not understand the reach backs…but I am also a person who takes time to make a solid decision so that I know when I’m done, I’m done. If I see you in passing I will always be cordial but reaching back to temp check or see if I can get that old thing back doesn’t exist, definitely not for My Past.
Since you and your Ex share a kid I have to imagine that being connected is a life thing, but that doesn’t give him the right to disrupt your current situation nor play or on your emotions because he’s undecided. Hopefully you all reach a point where true co parenting can take place, for the sake of your son. I am a firm believer in these adult relationships they are often collateral damage.
I hope to see you back for the next installment.
Yes he is married now.. our co parenting is not perfect but it’s better than nothing.
My, my, my, Marine OG and I had a great beginning – but it turned toxic when we moved back to Philadelphia. My light may have dimmed – but my belief in the great “I Am” was still there and I had to dig deep my Faithfuls.
I thought staying in the relationship for our children was best – only to find out that I really subjected them to a toxic environment which I am truly sorry. When I left, they were grown and I haven’t looked back. Although I was scared, never having been out on my own – but here I am woo woo 😊
I’m not one to tell you to leave your situation – Faithfuls you know when things are not right. Sometimes you have to take that leap and “Trust God.” It’s much better to have peace of mind/spirit – get rid of toxic waste. Live Laugh Love 💕
Hey Wander Bread, you two were indeed toxic. It taught me a lot of life lessons in ways I wish I didn’t have to learn. Although I am probably stronger for it. Who knows? What I will say is I’m proud of you stepping out on faith into a world that I’m sure felt like it would swallow you whole. You are a survivor with a story to tell.
You’re all the way right too, sometimes you have to take the leap. Hope to see you next week.
It’s crazy how you know the type of man you don’t want— and end up with the opposite— only to realize the opposite is not all peaches and cream either. I always wanted a Man similar to my dad, because as mean and grumpy as he is and has always been, he took care of our household and plus my mom was not having it any other way. The middle result—That is how I ended up with a baby dad and not a husband. I never witnessed any infidelity related to my dad ( and by no means am I saying he didn’t dabble) I’m just saying I never witnessed it. I ended up with a man who took care of the household like my dad, but the flip side—he also liked to dabble. Anyway, I never liked your Dad and for none of the reasons I know and read here. I hated him for taking Wander Bread and you away. There was no Grumpy Gardner or LSTS at that time. I remember being a young girl and asking Wander Bread before you were born can her last name be my last name.. lol. Anyway, it seems this is a time for healing and healing takes time, so I hope whoever needs the healing can continue to heal. Love y’all!
LOL C-Necesssay! I do recall you not taking to my dad but I am sure it was more about Wander Bread not spending as much time with you, not his personality. Much like your dad, my dad was/is a provider. If there is something needed he will make sure it gets done but unlike your dad his eye did wander. It caused me to witness the highest levels of betrayal and what they can and will do to someone’s spirit. It was painful, heartbreaking, and filled me with rage. I’m still working on the anger/rage portion of things.
It’s funny that running so far away from our fathers or even running right to our fathers made us miss key ingredients. Maybe that is the true definition of love being blind. I can’t call it.
I’ve def been in some toxic situations. I mean toxic toxic (abusive) relationships. My very first real relationship lasted about 5years on and off he was 8 years my senior and I was in love he was my first everything but I was young and dumb, I stayed when I know I shouldn’t have but when I love someone I love with everything in me so I try to make things worth even when that meant putting my self second. To this day my parents never knew all the pain and hurt I went through bc honestly I know if my dad ever knew hands was laid on me let’s just say he would be in jail for murder. I never told them bc I didn’t want to be a disappointment. (Growing up as a pk “preacher’s kid) was already hard enough lol. It took 5years but I finally decided to choose me first I packed my shyt and went to go stay with a friend I could have went back home to my parents but again they didn’t know that part of my life. This man felt like he could control me because I was living under his roof my name wasn’t on shyt so it was times he could kick me out whenever he felt like it. He always apologized and I would always go back like a stray puppy. I was always there picking up the pieces even when he he sick taking him to dr appts taking off work to help him, using my money bc he wasn’t able to work anymore and only got ssi benefits. I was still holding us down. The last straw for me was when he called the cops on me we got into a bad altercation I was tired of him laying hands so I destroyed his whole house I mean broke TVs destroyed furniture cut up clothes etc. I had to tell myself this ain’t it this isn’t love get it together. It’s funny he had the nerve to come back a few years prior to say he know he wasn’t the mad he should have been and if he asked for my hand in marriage what would I have said????? Like are you serious lol I just had to laugh. It’s always when it’s too late they want to come back. I kinda already touched basis on my last relationship with my first born son’s father let’s just say I was only trying to keep it together because of our son and I didn’t want my child growing up with out both parents in the same household because I didn’t grow up like that. Things happen and I always told myself I would never not choose me first… so I looked backed twice with that relationship but move forward ever since. That’s another toxic story but I’ll just leave it at that.
Robyn thank you for being so willing to share your story with the Faithfuls. I am a firm believer that the healing comes from truly seeing another person and I see you.
We so often get caught in our idea of what a situation should be that we lose track of what a situation is. When it’s not right or our spirit is unsettled we need to remember to listen. Minor arguments and even some large over the top arguments will happen because that is what occurs when two people are around each other enough but when a person shows you levels of true lack of love we have to realize we are worth more. We have to remember that nothing we do will ever change the behavior if the person on the other end doesn’t want to change.
My Past continues to tell me he loves me, I don’t respond but inside I am saying if this is what you loving me feels like I would prefer the opposite…maybe it’s better.
Hope to see you next week.
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