No surprise to you Faithfuls, I took a break. I needed a break from the words. For the past couple of months, I’ve sat in the heaviness of my loss. Grief exists in a world of other emotions (denial, anger, depression, acceptance, etc. etc. etc.). Y’all know I hate the feels. And I’ve never taken a full moment to process all my shit. Over my voiceless time, I lost 4 blood relatives, some closer than others and that surreal experience ripped the seal I keep on my feelings. The pain took my breath away, in a way I’ve never experienced in life. I cried longer than my usual 2-minute stops and forced a sit down. A sit down with myself where I sat with my grief and realized part of my life today exists in a living tomb filled with memories of things promised but not kept. It makes me cry angry tears.
Annoyance, directed at myself smolders. When someone mentions The Nino Brown of Sugared Beverages, I’m frustrated that my today remains entangled with his yesterday delaying my tomorrow. Not entirely his fault. The grace I extend him allows me to understand one cannot be more than their capacity. Tying up our loose ends no matter how we ended our together forever but not really was always my destiny. Yet, I crave movement beyond the tragedy of The Anti-Husband. The papers remain unofficial because of city level covid delays that leave me shackled to the responsibility of a past I wish I never had. The weight of it, his weight, literally drags me daily. My silent ask, when do I get to be FREE? I admire My Past’s ability to live life detached from the responsibility of it…maybe that’s his gift and potentially how he curses others. Someone is always left holding the bag. Unfortunately for the here and now that someone is me.
Yet that frustration and simmering resentment shroud themselves in intense feelings of guilt. While admittedly missing my extended family, the laughs, side eyes, maybe on some level components of the drama there’s no sense of loss for My Past. I don’t know how to reconcile that. I think I should feel something more for him and I’m mad at myself for not being able to feel what others project I should feel when they lose “their person.” In their eyes I see lingering hurt, droplets of bitterness slink through their asks of how I’m dealing with being single, and others have knee grows ain’t shit bitterness that does not exist in my space. I do sincerely hope My Past receives everything he deserves out of life…but otherwise empty. It’s my un-jumpable emotional hurdle. Why do I not feel the feels like others feel and will this always be my emotional barometer?
But Alas…welcome back Faithfuls. I hope you took a minute to reflect where we left off. If you missed any part of the story, I suggest starting here (https://faithfromphilly.com/hello-world/) before going forward.
If you recall the Anti-Husband poked the bear. He all but asked in mid-January for me to unleash the hounds. He texted along with 10 random pictures of us, “Whether u want to admit it or not we loved each other once…and the way my heart is set up…that love is forever. I don’t mean to upset you I just want u to recognize the truth. I failed yes…But u brought out my best. Salute to a true Queen…Shawty u the shit. I’m sorry I had no real point to this. I clearly was just thinking of u…I’m looking forward to reading your blog. I hope ur well.”
It’s funny, not ha ha but ironically funny that The Anti Husband always laces apologies with a lack of accountability. He’s too maturity deficient to understand that salt mixed with water makes for an unappealing drink. Or it could be his point…the jury remains undecided. Maybe he thinks I should feel a sense of profound pride knowing the adult in age child that left was better than the shambles I found. I’m positive they aren’t giving out prizes for parenting alleged adults.
I can’t adequately debate his feeling of love. I can however refute that he loved me. Here’s an example, how does one know if they’re a good parent? Is the proof in the product of their labor, years later a well-adjusted adult, or their single assessment of themselves? I’d argue proof of their goodness rests in the product of their hands. Therefore, if the product of The Anti-Husband’s hands is the adult in age child standing by the conclusion of our together forever but not really, than I’d say he’s correct in his assessment of failure and incorrect in his assessment of love. And don’t get me wrong, our split is not the issue. The devil’s in the details. It isn’t the what he did, it’s the how. The how speaks to his character as a person and if that is to be assessed, well you all tell me. How does he read?
I digress, by January I was all but ready to be done with all things My Past. I’d long gotten rid of his hanger on belongings (most left in those 5 trash bags), no pictures exist anywhere outside of those that contain my Bonus Son, and large ticket items purchased with my coin, well technically those belong to me. Trust me when I tell you I’ve never once reached out to The Anti-Husband since the separation that wasn’t about the divorce apart from letting him know about his lingering legal issues that I didn’t want at my doorstep. I wonder, did he pay those tickets himself? The world may never know.
But what says you Faithfuls, how do you deal with grief and loss? I’m a get rid of all the reminders to start fresh kind of girl but as you can see the city is on some bullshit. Do you keep mementos of the past? Do you communicate with Your Past? Why or why not? How can you tell if someone loves you? Is it their declaration or do you need actions? Speak on it in the comments, in the meantime, and between time, please share, like, comment, and subscribe…isn’t that what we do on this here interweb. As always there’s more where this came from so stay tuned for the next installment.
Remember to share is to care and hashish.
