Welcome back Faithfuls. I hope you took a minute to reflect where we left off last week. If you missed any part of the story, I suggest starting here before going forward.
Before digesting the next portion of My Past’s final words it’s good to note that we see the world very differently. While I see things, most often, very matter of fact, My Past paints in colors of delusion and oftentimes complete oblivion to what’s actually taking place. In addition to missing or ignoring key details, he assigns negativity to events that the everyday person would never see. If you read the last post, he alludes to this, his mental capacity does not allow him to understand how someone can possess an emotion and it not mean anything about him and when it does mean something about him, he ignores. Some might call this narcissism, but I’m only licensed in sarcasm, so I’m not equipped to diagnose. I say that to say that there are huge swaths of time during our relationship where I was visibly unhappy, clearly angry, and borderline calling it quits from late 2018-2020 before the bridge incident that signaled, this shit done, that he only processed through my lack of secksual enthusiasm. Not to mention I can count at least 4 very serious conversations during that time where I verbally told him as much. One did include asking him to leave which I rescinded almost immediately because I didn’t think sending a man of a certain age to sleep on relatives’ couches was kind. Filed under no good deed goes unpunished.
If you didn’t read the first part of his letter, it probably makes sense to sip that tea, before taking this gulp.
This time last yr I think we were in a really good place, but then 2020 happened and from week 1 things took a turn for the worse. We talked about working on our communication as well as our sex life, however with your mom’s health, covid, and the addition of your sister to our home those things got pushed to the back burner and the small issues grew. Please don’t misunderstand me I don’t blame ur sis being there as a cause for this, however it is undeniable that it added to the stress on our relationship. If for no other reason than we weren’t free to fully be ourselves in our home. Or at minimum I didn’t feel I was.
Whether it was projected thoughts or actual happenings, I felt the pressure of added watching eyes and judgement, and never addressed it. Then when I left the restaurant I felt inadequate as a man/the man of the house in the sense that I wasn’t providing or at minimum contributing financially.
You have said multiple times that I asked you to invest in a restaurant that I didn’t care about. That statement can’t be any farther from the truth. Where I do recognize that the request was selfish and entitled, I saw it as asking you to further invest in me. I absolutely cared about the restaurant and believe it was extremely evident in my stress and frustration about how things were going. However I recognize that asking you that was selfish and disrespectful, especially since I hadn’t proven responsible in the past.
After leaving the restaurant and being stuck in the house with 2 responsible working women, I felt lost I felt like a bum, I felt worthless. Then I decided to push forward and start the pop-ups which you fully supported me in and I thank you for that,. You always supported from day 1 with any and everything I did, even the edible business the 1st time around. You even went as far as procuring business from coworkers and friends. So you have to understand how much of a shock to my system it was when you judged me as a drug dealer this past summer. Followed by you asking me to leave multiple times stating that you didn’t know if our marriage was where u wanted to be. I felt what you probably felt for majority of our relationship, betrayal, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I was hurt.
See the thing about apologies that don’t work for me are the ones draped in lies of omission. I’m not even going to waste your time or mine addressing those. It’s almost laughable not in a ha ha kind of way that he typed, this time last year we were in a good place. Remember coloring in delusion. If memory serves me just the year before he gifted me his arrest on my birthday. Maybe in his mind, lying to my face and surprising me with policia exists in the realm of love. Could be those emotions he’s reading incorrectly or ignoring. Pretty loud and oh so clear there was nothing about the year before Covid that spoke to a good place. Hell, my family was planning an intervention. But since he felt right in his spirit about it and feeling are always “valid” let’s recap, this year also included My Past’s singular decision to abandon his day job and neglect all financial responsibility. Followed by the painful removal of my Bonus Son from our space after a falling out with his ex…nope not screaming good place…although I might be the one catastrophizing everyday life events. Maybe in normal healthy good place relationships your spouse gets arrested, abandons all responsibility, lies to your face, dismantles relationships, and still expects bedroom pomp and circumstance. Honestly 2019’s chaos was on high. I was beyond happy to end the year…that was before I knew what 2020 had in store.
With 2019’s shenanigans on our back let’s bounce into 2020. If you’re new here take this opportunity to read about the weed juice empire, leaving me to care for my ailing mother, and wanting to “inner act” with other women. Respectfully, WHERE THE F*CK DOES HE SEE A GOOD PLACE? I might suggest at some point we thought working to get back to a good place was a thing. I admit to trying everything I knew to do to fix it. Hell, I even purchased a wig thinking maybe if I could get out of my own head, I might be able to make my lady parts work again…since this seemed to be the only conversation he cared to bring to my doorstep. Truthfully, I appreciate feeling off kilter with LSTS living in our home. But let’s tell the truth and shame the devil, all My Past’s behaviors while my sister was in our house were the same behaviors he displayed before her arrival. The difference, someone who held no obligation to keep his secrets saw him for who he really is…a selfish, disrespectful bum, his words not mine.
Because karma catches up with people differently, I wonder how that sliver of hurt and betrayal he felt for the nano second before our final walk is marinating in his spirit? I have years of eating betrayal he laced as love, so he can absolutely miss me with the bullshit. But marriage isn’t a competition in hurt, and this is an apology. Faithfuls, we owe it to finish out the last part of his letter, you know letting My Past finish speaking his peace to what was it again, bring comfort, closure, understanding, and accountability. As always there’s more where this came from so stay tuned for the next installment. Any who speak on it in the comments, in the meantime, and between time, please share, like, comment, and subscribe…isn’t that what we do on this here interweb.
Remember to share is to care and hashish.
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