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Welcome back Faithfuls. I hope you took a minute to reflect where we left off last week. If you missed any part of the story I suggest starting here before going forward.
Believe it or not The Anti Husband and I had pre-marital counseling. Shocking I know. It was particularly emotionally painful for me because I don’t like flushing out my feels in front of people. It did however teach me that a truth I held self-evident was wrong. Where was I wrong? I’m glad you asked – you can’t treat people the way you want to be treated. For it to work correctly, you must meet a person where they are and love them in spite of, not for their potential. Marital class requires that you leave agreeing to wed someone if you accept them for what they bring to the table today and if there’s no growth from that day forward, you’re still rocking. Loyalty runs deeply in my DNA so I prayed and then ultimately swallowed my desire that irresponsibility would grow to responsible, dreaming would grow to planning, and generalized lazy would grow to productive. I decided to marry the guy who dreamed, believed in ridiculous conspiracy theories, drank a little too much, smoked a bit too heavy, and generally thought life was fully and completely about being happy solely in the moment. All of that collectively sits in opposition to Faith, but I needed someone who didn’t trigger where I came from.
My Past filled that requirement. I’d never met anyone more interested in “stuff” for lack of a better term that literally had no bearing on life lived daily. Seriously he would spend hours on YouTube listening to folks who probably lived in their mother’s basement talking about lost universes and alternative creation stories. He’d recite their teaching as gospel and get upset that I wouldn’t entertain things like Bill Clinton, the real one, didn’t have relations with that woman and the proof rested in a part mysteriously moved from the right to the left side of his head thus proving it was his alien abductor. Word? Word…spending precious time dabbling in nonsense didn’t put food on our table nor grow us as a couple. My Past came up with no life plans during those hours of YouTube rabbit holing. This amounted to the saddest thing in life, wasted talent. So, you can see where my struggle for speaking words of affirmation might have been difficult. But My Past loved in the words and the touches. He needed someone to validate his existence with congratulations and strokes to his ego. This is not my love language. In fact, it’s so far removed from what I consider love it felt some days like an assault on my sensibilities. That is not a knock to My Past as a person, it’s an example of how we loved different. How we clashed from the onset of coupledom and how it would be work, to stay in love.
As a person fond of hard work, I challenged myself to reach outside my comfort zone and find ways to show care for My Past within his love language. An example, text message short cuts which allowed me to respond in affirming words to shit that just didn’t mean anything to me. Until I no longer cared. It didn’t happen immediately but over time the breakdowns in communication led to messages on read with no response. We were not evenly yoked. I admittedly found it difficult speaking in sweet nothings when my days filled themselves with fixing work problems, my problems, his problems, and righting drama he created while he busied himself with videos about why Blacks were/are the original US inhabitants (this one might be true). I can’t tell you the number of parking tickets I fixed, licenses that I removed from suspension lists, jobs I tried to rescue by setting early morning alarms, relationships I advised how to repair…not that I was keeping score but know it’s strenuous to feel like you’re navigating two lives and you’re only present and making decisions in one. I LIVED IN EXHAUSTION day-to-day and for a lot of the time I didn’t realize how burnt I was.
I grew to resent enthusiastically fixing mess, and performing the secks, and all the other shit that comes along with bolstering the ego of a person just living life absent personal responsibility. So, it was a breath of fresh air when he wrote me a Dear Faith Letter and decided the ladies were his refuge, and the streets his oyster. I let out a sigh of relief minus the heartbreak of losing my Bonus Son and was happy when My Past moved his things out of my house. I still wonder what happened to our dog. Just a little before the letter I remember overhearing a conversation My Past had with LSTS where he told her that he was popping in these streets. It continues to be my hope that these streets remain popping while he lives out a 90’s era gangsta movie and that those same streets and ladies provide the words of affirmation that by the end died before leaving my lips. Relationships are fucking hard work…and for the majority of mine, I was doing it alone.
Long before he neglected the label husband, My Past abandoned the title friend. I’ll never tell you I was smart for staying. In the midst of it all, I honestly did not compute he was a bad partner. Walk with me, my love language is acts of service. After I realized My Past struggled putting his own words into action. I put a short list together to help him love me. And I started small because I appreciated his response that he’d never been taught how to be a responsible anything. My list:
- Take the trash out and bring the cans back in
- Make sure the laundry baskets are in the laundry room on Sunday morning and return them to the bedroom when I finish the wash
- Walk the dogs daily
- Sweep and mop the floors weekly
- Put a set amount of coin in the joint account weekly and don’t touch it
Simple? Simple. This was and remained my only consistent asks of him. I struggle to recall a month where all five took place with no issue. And of course, fidelity. His need to frolic with the wimmens was laughable because My Past while adorable (he’s cherubim in face minus his beard) is not the man women respond to, not on that level. I chose him specifically because he wasn’t that. That man is a trigger because that man is Marine OG.
Marine OG loves in sweet nothings, fists, gifts, and harsh words. He is a man that walks into a room and gets noticed by every woman present because he possesses a quality that women respond to. Some of its money and some of it’s the way his charm seeps throughout his syllables as he speaks. Even in his old age with pants a little too high to be cool I see the over eagerness in young waitresses high off the last word dripping from his lips and the giddiness in older women just happy someone still calls them baby girl. My Dad is the man women hate to love. Don’t get me wrong I heart my dad. He is the protype, but for as much as he’s taught me through lectures, he’s taught me even more through actions. I studied my daddy as a girl, he was mesmerizing. Everyone loves him at first meet, in his prime, he was captivating.
I remember a girlfriend of mine saying, “Mr. Marine OG is like that.” I cringed but I knew it was true. He flirts with his eyes, mouth, and ultimately with the parts he should have kept in his pants. But men who have a quality women respond to, often disrespect their significant others in ways the outside public scream about and ask why didn’t she leave. It’s the intoxication, manipulation, roller coaster riding of being with a man that is that man. I can’t fully articulate what it is that makes chicks gravitate to the fire but what I knew was I would never marry this man.
And I didn’t. I purposely chose a man not like my dad, because Marine OG was a cruel husband. Unfortunately, what I knew as a bad partner rested solely in the qualities that my dad displayed. If the love wasn’t in fists and harsh words, then why should I complain? I know that sounds crazy, but for a time I couldn’t reconcile why I should leave My Past. Why should I walk away when he hadn’t placed hands or me or called me foul names, at least not to my face? It pains me to admit that’s how I processed romantic love. My barometer for ain’t shit only had a single setting and it didn’t include soul sucking, gaslighting, selfish, soft spoken asshole. I realize now to be a fucked-up husband is more than just fists, harsh words, and entertaining other women (if you subscribe to monogamy). The Anti Husband wasn’t Marine OG and yet and still, not good. It took me far too long to reconcile that truth, but it is absolutely self-evident.
Once it became fully clear to me that The Anti Husband was in fact a bad partner, I was okay with him leaving my life. So, in mid-August My Past removed the little he came with. I wish when I closed the door the final time I could say it was all over, but then starts the real process of divorce. But what says you Faithfuls, what is your love language? Did you have good examples growing up of romantic relationships? If so, how did it help you? If not, how did it hinder you? What does a good partner look like? Do you agree with the professionals that you have to love someone how they need to be loved? Or do you think there’s something to treating people how you’d want to be treated. I still struggle with the last one if I’m being honest. But don’t forget to join me next Wednesday, for the newest installment. In the meantime, and between time, please share, like, comment, and subscribe…isn’t that what we do on this here interweb.
Remember to share is to care and hashish.
It’s funny how you wanted the exact opposite of your father in a husband, whereas I was taught you should want a husband to be a like image of your father. I can honestly say the grumpy gardener reminds me sooo much of my father lol. Me wanting the image of my father in my husband def ties into my upbringing. All I was shown growing up was love by my father and how much he loved my mother. He would open doors for her, buy just because gifts, they were like salt and pepper you never see one without the other. My parents growing up were what we call now as hashtag “couple goals” what others strive to be in a relationship. I knew I wanted that for myself. My love language is affection, I require a lot of hands on show me by your actions. Funny that my partner’s love language is the exact opposite lol but somehow we just mesh perfectly. Although he may not always do this it’s the effort and for me a trying man is better than one who doesn’t try at all. To me that’s what a perfect partner looks like, one who has flaws but is always willing to put forth an effort to keep a relationship thriving. I do agree with the professionals that you have to love someone how they need to be loved, because love is something that needs to be nurtured as well as handled with care. So many different emotions and feelings go into loving someone properly, however it also takes communication to get there and it’s also a learning experience especially for those who may not have that same POV when it comes to loving someone.
Welcome back Faithful. I think what you reference is girls marrying their fathers which happens often for the good and the bad. Your dad sounds like an awesome husband and father, one that was able to show you by example what you would like to replicate in your marriage. While my dad may not have showed me everything I would want he did provide some great reference to what was not the best. With all of that knowledge we still are left to make it work our own way. I’m so very glad that you and The Grumpy Gardener found each other and are able to compliment one another’s love languages. Hope to see you back this week for the next installment.
Grumpy Gardener here lol. I grew to love my name, but I must say as a man I wish that was the only list of responsibilities I had in my home with my wife because boy would life be super easy smh. To see that list and see that a grown man struggled with that is beyond sad, actually kind of pathetic. If you call yourself a man and can’t handle that he damn sure shouldn’t have been in a relationship let alone be married. I’m not here to bash main man but if he reads this or anybody tells him what’s going on he gotta do better and be better for his next situation. You never lied about Marine OG he had a way with the women, as a young boy I always wanted that attention until I realized it wasn’t the right attention to want. They were only after him because of the charm and what they thought he could provide not knowing who he was deep down inside. Most men fail to realize a good woman with her head on her shoulders most of the time could careless about all the sparkling material things because those material things can be here today and gone tomorrow, looks also fade, but you know what doesn’t? Your heart, how much you love and care for a person, how you handle and carry yourself as a man, how you take care of your family, those are some of the things that make men “good men”. Crazy because growing up I never seen what a loving relationship was nor did I truly see how a man should love and or treat his wife, if I went by what I saw growing up I would be an abuser and a cheater but I used what I saw to make me a better husband and father. I rarely seen Marine OG take mom on dates or shower her with love and or affection, I rarely remember them even loving on each other the fights stick out more in my brain than any type of love shown and I don’t want that for my family or my children so that is one reason I am the man I am today, I make sure my boys will know how to love a woman and I make sure my daughter knows what it is to be loved properly by a man! A good partner for me is my wife, she’s not perfect but she’s everything that I lack. Where I am weak she’s strong and vice versa for example her mind is great, she remembers everything important where I will forget so she helps me there and keeps track of the bills and when to pay. For me I’m the neat and clean freak in the home, I think that stems from childhood and the job I have, I won’t allow things in the home to look a certain way. She cooks majority of the food, where I don’t like to cook anymore like that. For me it’s all about balance and finding that perfect piece to your puzzle, this isn’t easy because Lord knows I’ve been through several of failed relationships but when I met my wife I just knew, I knew a few months in I was going to marry her. I will say all in all that love is tricky at times and some of the time we fall for the wrong people for the wrong reasons, sometimes we confuse lust for love, sometimes it’s the coin and what people spend, sometimes we get caught up in what others say and how they speak of the person we are with and settle because the optics are good. In the end the real question we have to ask is are we truly happy and if that’s the case you have your answer with who you should be with. Grumpy Gardener out lol……..
Welcome Grumpy Gardener you are now officially a Faithful. You said more than a word. I often wonder how someone can have so little asks of them and still not show up. Takers however, rarely ever know how to give and that is something that is so inherently My Past that he honestly can’t see fault in his action or more accurately in action. Let me rephrase that he may apologize with his words but his actions remain the same which is not only toxic it’s a lie. I remember him getting so upset with me when I said he was a liar. I followed it by saying you shouldn’t be mad at being called a liar you should be upset with the the actions you’re displaying that make others come to that conclusion. What is it about you that makes people find you untrustworthy? I think that went over his head if I’m being truthful.
Despite Marine OG’s short comings, it is a gift and curse to be a man that women respond to, he has taught me so much. Not that he should have used that as an excuse to do bad things namely cheat, but I can understand how difficult it is to remain faithful when you aren’t happy, aren’t equipped, and generally feel like I can do what I want. In spite of that our dad never missed work, taught us amazing financial responsibility, and not for nothing I know how to take a man down three times my size. There is no man on earth I ever fear because of who I was raised by.
He also showed you want you didn’t want to be and you’ve done a great job of combining Marine OG’s positive messages and flipping his negative. From what I can see and what I hear you’re doing it well. Never forget to love someone how she needs to be loved and half the battle will be won. Communication and real understanding will get you the other way down the road. I hope to see you back for the newest installment.
I married Marine OG when I was young, dumb and “In Love.” He could do no wrong and I believed every word that came out his mouth. There are three reasons I stayed in my marriage so long and they were our children. I didn’t want them to grow up without their dad – not realizing that they were growing up in a toxic environment. Looking back over my marriage to Marine OG – I realize now that he had no respect for me – I honestly believe he has/had no respect for anybody. I have to say, he was a hard working man – but that doesn’t constitute a good man.
I’ve learned that marriage takes work, you need to communicate and working toward goals together. You should be building each other up, being each other’s friend / lover.
When I left Marine OG – I didn’t leave for another man – I left because he was not a good man for me. My love was so blind that I lost myself and self respect – now today I’ve falling in love with myself and God knows it has been a rocky road.
Thank you Faith for writing this blog and being so transparent – I know this is helping somebody – it definitely is helping me – I would have NEVER written this for everybody to read – but “I’m not the great pretender Anymore “
God Bless Faithfuls – Live ❤️ Laugh ❤️Love ❤️ Dream ❤️
Welcome back Wander Bread you already know you are a Faithful. I thank you first for acknowledging the toxicity that existed in my childhood. It goes a long way in healing those wounds. At my big age I can look back on the situation and see if from the vantage point of an adult woman who can appreciate how blinding love can be. It can be so overpowering that we neglect all common sense and allow the thing that should bring us joy to bring us pain. It is peculiar.
Some men confuse being a provider with being a good man and that I can somewhat understand, Marine OG for sure fits that mold. I remain baffled by how My Past views himself as good but that is his road to walk.
Positively, I am seeing the change in you and I hope it continues. I’d never tell someone to use my vehicle but there is healing in writing your story. And while our stories intertwine they are not the same. You must have something else to give this world besides us three kids. It is up to you to define it and do it. Hope to see you back for the next installment.
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