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Welcome back Faithfuls. I hope you took a minute to reflect where we left off last week. If you missed any part of the story I suggest starting here before going forward.
We have come full circle, right? Right! You learned that My Past wanted to be a weed infused juice salesman, aka the Nino Brown of Sugared Beverages. In his mind I’m sure he thinks that’s a compliment, but sensible people know Nino died alone a disloyal backstabbing snitch, respectfully. He also wanted to frolic with the ladies, remain married, but get separated in the middle of the panorama. If that wasn’t enough, I’d stepped fully and uncomfortably back into the role of parenting a parent. Wander Bread’s illness struck me clean in the gut with little time to brace for the impact. At the onset, I believed The Grumpy Gardener would take some time to full on assist. I was mistaken. Lil Sis Thee Stallion (LSTS) had moved to the City of Angels just the year before and I didn’t want to trouble her with a trip back to the old life she’d left to flourish in the Hollywood Hills and in many ways, to escape. Philadelphia came with its own set of weight for all of us. In the Grumpy Gardener’s defense, he does reside in DE, over an hour away, and actively has three small children, all under 7.
Rightfully, my proximity and known “abilities” dictated that the whole of Wander Bread’s care rested in my hands. This included trips to various specialists, hospitals, and three times a week visits to dialysis in addition to preparing her meals, running her errands, and tending to her housework. My energy was on low and my stress was on high. High levels of stress trigger Crohns, so layer general fatigue with underlying health related tiredness. I don’t know how I was moving. No specifics but my day job, demanding. It requires more of my time than the 40 hours allotted in my paycheck and I was for all intents and purposes a full-on involved wife with everything that comes with that role. I was giving of myself in ways I never imaged were possible and depleting of myself in ways I didn’t know existed.
But I didn’t ask for help. I’m sometimes my own worst enemy. To shoot the Anti Husband some bail, I never did say to him, help me. Okay I’m exaggerating. But hold that thought for a minute, by late February I was on the verge of what felt like a breakdown. Partially because I was hiding my pain from everyone, pushing it into the work. And more because I didn’t have an outlet or a partner who made space for me. My Past was not going to couch my feels in any way to make it just a bit easier to keep going. The sheer embarrassment of admitting my then husband wouldn’t show up for me, kept me guarded and wrestling with my hurt privately.
Let me tell you a story inside a story, to give you a bit of an example why I felt alone in crisis despite being married. I’ll take you back to the evening preceding my wedding. The evening before fills itself with rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, generalized chatting it up with the family and friends who are part of the ceremony, basically should be one good ass time. For the most part besides my wedding planner getting stuck behind an accident on I95 and universal colored folk late-ness, things were going close to plan. All true, until the sump pump flooded my basement bathroom. It didn’t help that this flooding happened after traditional working hours, let’s call it 9PM on Friday evening. Adding insult to injury, I’d planned a block party wedding and said bathroom was to be used as an inside option for family and friends. There could be no wedding if the house smelled like sewage and the bathroom was broken. Like any wife to be I called my then fiancé to “save the day.” I mean it was only right? Right! To his credit he arrived ready to lift up his sleeves, or at least I thought. Instead, he dropped some towels off in the basement and left me standing in 2-3 inches of dirty toilet water. He later told me he couldn’t miss his bachelor outing. LSTS stayed with me through the 24hr plumber and the clean-up afterwards. We didn’t get to sleep until close to 5AM. It makes sense that one of the to be married was bright eyed and bushy tailed for the nuptials that afternoon. I pretend happy well.
The Anti Husband, one early 2020 evening, doused the open wedding wound with salt by arguing me down about “our” wedding music. Unbeknownst to him a black cloud already hovered over the day for me. Instead of actually remembering or not remembering and listening to the person who planned nearly every detail of an event he almost allowed not to happen, he instead told me about a conversation we never had, about an artist I don’t like, highlighting a song I’d never pick. The Anti Husband was adamant the song I told him our wedding party walked down the aisle to, didn’t play because the only person he knew that walked to that song was his friend’s wife. Maybe he should have married her. I remember saying these exact words, “I’m glad you know His Fake Bestie’s Wife’s wedding song and not your own.” I turned over and went to sleep. And true it’s not that much of a deal by itself, but it did ice the cake of, I don’t give a fuck-ness about you.
So no, I didn’t ask him to help me. I did however, initiate an argument. Outside of my character completely, but my wit’s end died long before I slammed the front door as he slept on our living room sectional. The long and short of the argument as I hollered through strained tears and a level of anger I’d prefer to forget, was a plea – do you not see me drowning? His response, I should have told him exactly what I needed him to do. I reminded him that I was the one in the middle of a fucking storm essentially lit on fire. I needed him to do something, any fucking thing that let me know he recognized I was burning. Hell, could he make sure the dogs were walked so when I came home dead tired after caring for my ailing mother, then circling the south Philly streets trying to find a parking spot not 4 blocks away from my house at midnight, I didn’t have to also pick-up shit. Could he do that on any type of consistent basis? I get it, he was busy too. I can’t tell you the number of times I’d wish I was his level of busy and not mine, but I digress.
So, hell no! I didn’t ask him for help. Maybe this is my downfall as a wife, he didn’t know he was needed. But I also didn’t know that I had to ask My Husband to see me. He never had to ask me to stand in where he couldn’t. I just stood. He never had to think about too much of anything in our relationship. Clearly thinking and decision making weren’t his ministry. I remember saying to My Past one time, you know you just live. I don’t know what it means to not have a care in the world. Maybe I am too resilient. I’ve always considered being dependable for my loved ones a personal virtue…and like many a woman I had my ability to get shit done weaponized against me to stab me in the heart at a time when I needed help the most. Maybe I married a monster…more like an adult in body child whose trauma reaches so deep and so wide he lacks the full capacity to understand or take accountability for his actions. Or he could just be a selfish muthafucka, jury’s still undecided.
Luckily and maybe by the grace of Black Baby Jesus, Lil Sis Thee Stallion arrived home in early March. Much like that night of cleaning up the basement floor for a wedding that started in a few short hours, my sister stepped in to fill the void. I’ll leave it there for today even though there’s so much more to tell. But what says you Faithfuls? Have you ever felt alone in a relationship? Did it make you resent the other person? Are you able to ask for help when you need it? How do you know, or feel needed in a relationship? In a strange turn of events, my laptop murdered itself, I can’t tell you how but with its demise it took all the professional pictures from my wedding. God remains the funniest comedian.
Don’t forget to join me next Wednesday, for the newest installment. In the meantime, and between time, please share, like, comment, and subscribe…isn’t that what we do on this here interweb.
Remember to share is to care and hashish.
It’s the “audacity” for me. Certain shyt should be common sense, granted sometimes you have to communicate your feelings in certain situations but this obviously wasn’t a circumstance where you should of had to communicate the NEED for help the bathroom catastrophe should have been a given. Jesus Christsis (in my J-pop voice) it was hours before your “BIG day… but yet here he is leaving you to pick up the pieces again like you always do, Mrs FIXIT..
Many times I’ve felt alone in a relationship, it’s crazy how you can be in someone’s presence and still feel alone. At that point it’s like well what are you even here for? Obviously you’re not here for me or companionship. I might as well go be alone by myself then forreal. Absolutely, it made me start resenting that person, because then you get mad at yourself like dayum why did I even try? Why did I spend sooo much time investing and here I am still getting nothing in return. (I need a refund of all my wasted time)
For me I’m not big on asking for help, because I’m the type of person where I don’t want to worry about someone throwing it back up in my face. I’ll struggle before I ask for help. However just the type of person I am, I can recognize a call for help, so I’ll just offer before I’m even asked and that’s just how I operate, however everyone doesn’t think like me. A lesson I’ve learned just recently was you can’t expect you from other ppl.
I think how you know you feel needed in a relationship a is by that persons actions. I always say actions speak louder than words. You can say something to me a million times but if there aren’t any actions behind it then those words mean nothing. You can make a statement but if you don’t have actual facts to validate it then it’s irrelevant.
Welcome back Faithful. You said a word, you can’t expect you from other people. And you’re right communicating your needs are necessary especially in a relationship. There are times however, when the needs are so obvious someone shouldn’t have to say a word. Not to mention the love you actually have for a person should make you want to help. That’s when I realized it was never love. It was transactional time sharing. He was here for what I represented but not for me. That is unfortunate on my part for sure but I will never be that foolish. Hopefully you’re back for the next installment.
At some point and time in our relationships we all feel alone, resentment and unwanted. I believe women tend to feel them more than men because we are natural nurtures. Some, not all men tend to wear their feelings on they shoulder and not think it’s manly to let feelings show. Women tends to learn their partner language. Their wants, needs, likes, dislikes and their just because. That all matters and is important to a in a relationship. Well guess what, womem expect the same thing. Do we always get it ,”No.” Do men learn our needs and wants, should it priority, should it be common sense?.Come on now, be realistic yes, yes, yes, yes. Women should not have to say can you, will you, I need you!!! Regardless how much a woman is a go-getter, regardless how much she cares for others, regardless how many different hats she wears. If I wanted to be alone and cover all basis alone, “Dammit I’ll be alone.” We are suppose to be together. What happen to companionship together. Not company or roommates.
For him to leave you the day before your wedding, what happened to our wedding. What happened to we have to make sure everything is right. He felt no remorse and felt like oh well you didn’t tell me what needed to be done. This isn’t a daycare. Dude come one now give me a break. Grow up. Common Sense, reality, the real word just be responsible for crying out loud.
Me as a person don’t like to ask for anything whatsoever
I wear multiple hats in my family and a nurturer as well. Uprooted with my hubby and 2 little children( at the time) from Ga back to Philly to take care of my ailing mom, I truly understand. Brother’s had they own life in another city, dad had 4 more years before retiring, rest of family resides in Chicago, the love i have for my mama, the nursing nurturing person I am.. I felt it was my responsibility because I didn’t want to ask anyone. There were days I felt my husband could have rubbed my feet without me asking, could have did a lot without me asking, could have been more nurturing. I was tired at my breaking point but I kept on moving
My days started at 3a.m – 8p.m.
Then boom I had to put my foot down..
Faith you have natural feelings, endured a lot, and had a heap of wake up calls. You being the woman you never gave up and I commend you. God allowed him to give in selfishly
It hurt you but it was your out.
We all feel your pain,, anger, confusion in some kind of way..
Sipping and praying with you until next week
Welcome Tee, and thank you for taking the time to put it all out there on my little spot on this here internet. You are right and then some. I do believe that women put a lot into our relationships and don’t always get back half of what we put in. I don’t know why we give like this but I do know for sure takers will take. It is the nature of a thing to always be what it is. The signs were painted on the walls and I was foolish to believe that My Past’s disregard for others would one day turn on me. Laughing, I honestly felt like I was special. That still makes me chuckle.
It’s my hope that your mom is well and that maybe your husband finds this comment and gives you a foot rub. Until next week, I hope to see you back here putting in your two cents.
This just flashed back the memories of that time and we both were not feeling the best so it was rough. Still beautiful day of but rough for sure.
And I would have to agree with Robyn M that it is an unreal experience to be with some and still feel alone. It’s actually one of the loneliest times of your life in my opinion. And as women I think we suffer in that silence too much.
I’m also a similar personality that won’t say anything until I’m damn near dead. It’s not a great quality but I like to work my own shxt out and over achieve.
Welcome LSTS, I hope to see you back here more often. You may be right, this time was probably the loneliest of my adult life. I felt so isolated from myself and so obligated to a commitment I made that I couldn’t see a way to turn back even if it was breaking me down. It’s not until I was out of the thing I was able to realize just how far I’d fallen.
What I will say if you take nothing from my experience, don’t struggle in silence. I cut off my own oxygen bottling me from the world. I would have been better served being open with the people around me because I may not have taken so long to see the light.
Vengeance is mine said the Lord. So, I’m asking for forgiveness now Father.
I pray that the next person he gets involved with f*cks him over so bad that he remembers all the sh*t he put you thru. I just want to punch his face over and over again until I get tired !!
Seriously, it felt good to say this out loud – but on the real – he’s just a miserable person – and you know the saying “Misery loves Company”. So, so glad you had the strength/courage to finally walk away.
Now, live your life !!
Keep writing ✍️- I’m forever a “Faithful”
Welcome back Faithful. God knows your heart, LOL. Despite all of these things I have been through I don’t wish violence on My Past. He is the epitome of hurt people hurting people. I suspect that his trauma won’t ever be healed until he takes full accountability and owns his part in why his life fell apart.
For me I am just happy to be free. I feel so much lighter without his energy around me. What’s crazier, so many people can see it on me. See you back next week.
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