Welcome back Faithfuls. I hope you took a minute to reflect where we left off last week. Note my, I hate you so much right now stance. In honesty and truth, I don’t and can’t hate My Past. I could never hate a person who I willingly shared intimate space with for almost a decade. In many many ways he prepared me for the next chapter of my life. Before I dip into my response part deux let me give you a bit more insight into my headspace. Acknowledge my shit and shit.
I should and want to thank My Past for pulling the trigger on our relationship. I had ample opportunity to leave, but I didn’t. I stayed. It’s my struggle, and honestly on that bridge it’s where my anger resided, not the money. I was furious with me. The Anti Husband, always a step behind my actual emotions, mostly because he never listened and some because I’m a giver of my thoughts not my feels by nature, probably read my upset-ness as a sign I still wanted to be with him. While that was the farthest from my truth, for at least 5 minutes I lost control. I let a hint of my anger breach the surface. Also, he lied to my face. I don’t do liars well. To be clear, I don’t regret the small piece of letting him know where he had me fucked up. Quite frankly the weight of the world was on my shoulders, at least my world, and his separation request was just another boulder on my back and problem to solve.
See that is who I am. I’m a problem solver, a fixer. It has been my station since I was a child. Minus a few standout events I don’t recall a childhood. My distinct memories of my past start and end with required responsibility. I have always been a caretaker. It is against my grain to even consider that someone would, should, or could take care of me (I’m working on that). On some level I believed in My Past I’d found someone to break this generational curse. That he was the one who should…would… and could take care of me. I believed him when he said he would because I needed to believe it even if his actions betrayed his words. See, in leaving I would have to admit the person I chose to take care of me, didn’t love me enough to do the work. That is a hurt that eviscerates the soul. It is spirit scorching even for a person who hides her feels deep inside. Don’t get me wrong, there were glimpses of care. And it is in those glimpses where I couched the whole of my relationship. They helped me ignore the day-to-day until I couldn’t any longer.
When I became deathbed sick from Crohn’s in late 2016, I remember My Past picking me up off the floor after I collapsed in a hallway. I was a ball of tears and embarrassment and possibly feces because, Crohn’s. In that moment, I felt the love. Because if it isn’t love, how could it feel this way, right? Someone who applies lotion to your dying skin must love you. Maybe? Maybe. In hindsight, it could have been obligation. Yet in the moment, it was the love I needed. It was just enough to ignore the fires lit around us. But…you know what else I remember from that time, getting up sick and going to work aka, holding it down. And I recall telling My Past that at my weakest when I needed him to step in and fill the void, fear drove me forward to do things I knew he wouldn’t. That is not love. I remember specifically saying, “I can’t depend on you.” His response…nothing, a blank fucking stare with no words. Not even an, I’m sorry you feel like that type of backhanded apology to acknowledge I felt a way. Every moment of care got clouded just enough not to fully bask in the loving rays of the sun. I was an idiot who couldn’t admit to herself or anyone else that I kept making the wrong decision again and again and again. I was in my feels for sure. And most of the feel, was my own vanity. I’m the fixer…right?
The clouded care moments played in my mind at the start of 2020 as I wrestled with asking The Anti Husband to leave. I’d been contemplating his departure since the fall of 2019. Fuck it, this is the trust tree nest, I’d been contemplating asking him to leave since his birthday trip to LA in the fall of 2018. Yet, I still stayed. How could I just run out on my responsibility? By that point I’d transitioned from the love to the obligation of the marriage. It was no longer fun. It was no longer healthy. Shit it was far from happy and we both knew it on some level. But insert childhood Faith with her required responsibility. Couple that with adult Faith who vainly believed in her own ability to fix any and everything. I couldn’t just walk away from someone I promised not only my body but my heart and my soul and all the other shit that came with me. I owed him a fix to this marital discomfort. And while I searched all parts of me for a plan, an answer, a fucking carrier pigeon with a clue to get us out of the hellacious relationship pit we’d fallen, there was nothing I could have dreamed up that had me prepared for what 2020 smacked me with at the start. But before we dive deeper into the world cascading down around me, note the words so creatively crafted by My Past. If you’ve suffered enough skip the italics and get into my response below.
Lessons of I don’t care if u go out where u go and I’m not askin no questions. Taught responsibility independence and the recognition of the importance of making the correct small decisions that could alter life in an instant.
Loud debates that internally beat me down and caused doubt and internal embarrassment. Taught me to be able to stand firm in ur arguments but make sure ur knowledgeable enough to not be a fool. As well as the patients and confidence to be able to hear the loud ferocity of an opponent and not crumble bcuz I’ve been trained for this.
The lessons of inconsistency and the need to not only focus but to set goals, plan, and take notesso that it’s easier to not b distracted. Bcuz there’s a written guide that says hey u were here b4 u “Wander”ed now u can come right back without having to start over or getting pulled to something different.
I would have to believe that in reading the above u will agree that even thru all the pain I’ve caused I’ve been growing all along.
I know that you see that the man I was, the man who u scraped off the sidewalk after a nasty fall and pieced back together but unlike humpty dumpty who couldn’t be reassembled. You built a better model.
I recognize that in the moment none of that matters to u and all I’m doing is being selfish. And I recognize that it seems that way, and I hope to show u 1 day that I’m not.
U’ve grown me to feel not only comfortable in my own skin but more importantly confident in my ability. Through lessons of comin to ur office and u remindin me to just be myself. A lesson that is imperative for my next step.
The clarity I currently have to be able to look back on all those things I felt were negative in the moment and be able to see the lesson and actually learn from them. And that’s not just lessons from my wife but seeing the lessons of 36 yrs of life recalling details to memories so clearly as if it were happening right in front of me in the moment.
But with the ability to do that you also see some lessons that may not have been learned bcuz all the negatives of the past didn’t allow you have the experience.
You’re welcome…I guess. I mean seriously how else should I respond to someone who acknowledged with his own words that he started broken and left ain’t shit. Being selfish in a marriage is marriage cancer. Thinking in the we, is a necessity. Acknowledging your growth at the expense of another is borderline psychotic…it’s definitely toxic. My thoughts see-sawed. Did I help him or inflate a crippled ego? Did I teach him how to stand or did I simply place band-aids over a wounded soul? Was I empowering a King or biding time with a peasant?
What I did know and I what I was feeling stronger than anything else, RELIEF. Not my problem any more rang so strongly in my ears I could have cried little baby tears of joy. I don’t think this is how his letter was intended to hit. My Past bailed at the height of a storm and I am becoming okay with that. Everyone is in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. He made his time with me, a season.
Truth be told I needed him to pull the trigger. It was the emotional tie I needed severed in order to walk away for good. So many times, I’d thought of leaving but stayed because I believed I owed him something. I stayed because I needed to prove to someone (I don’t know who, maybe me) that Black women supported Black men. I stayed because there was almost a decade of memories wrapped around an extended family I miss to this day. I stayed because I fell in love with a man who in the beginning brought a smile to my face in a way that no one else had, but that man died a long time ago and I was holding onto a mirage of who I wanted him to be and not who he is. On that bridge and with this letter I no longer had to hold onto that image. I was free to let it go.
And I let it go by way of his hands. Just like the great poet laureate, Jay-z said, “Shit, I’ve got to live with the fact I did you wrong forever….” He does. On an unrelated but related note, I don’t think My Past knows what consistency means, clearly not in his actions and absolutely not by the quasi definition he wrote in this email. But what says you Faithfuls. Have you stayed when you knew it was time to tell someone to pack a bag? Have you loved someone who in their actions proved they didn’t love you? How did you recover from acknowledging the loss of the relationship? Have you ever struggled with relief that someone was out of your life? Did you feel guilty you were happy they were gone? Remember to share is to care and hashish.
Don’t forget to join me next week for the newest installment. In the meantime, and between time, please share, like, comment, and subscribe…isn’t that what we do on this here interweb.
Yes, I stayed in a relationship that was longgggg over. I just wanted to keep my family together – when I finally left, it was a heavy weight lifted off me. This was over 10 years ago and I haven’t looked back !!
Keep on writing ✍️ can’t wait to read the book 📚
Welcome back Wanda, you are now three weeks in so I will call you a Faithful. Staying is sometimes far worse than leaving, trust me I know this from both experiences. But we all come to our decision to end a thing in our own time and in our own way. Looking back is not an option for me…that is another reason it took me to so long to pull the trigger. Once I am firm in my decision, there is no turning back. I needed to be sure I was sure it was the end for me.
I’ve bounced back to former love interests in the past because I naively thought love conquers all…it does not. Or at least in my experience people call a thing love that is not it at all. The jury is still out. Hope to see you back here next Wednesday.
I like the “Faithfuls” very creative! I def have stayed when I knew I should have left a long time ago. I stayed in my past relationship bc I felt like I was obligated because we had a “child” together. I felt that it was the right thing to do, but I realized if I’m not happy then what’s the point. Did I really want to continue to put on this front and live this lie because I was fearful of how I might appear to others or afraid of being judge? I was always taught a child should have a 2 parent household growing up and I didn’t want ppl to look at me sideways and label me as that “single mother” statistic. What’s the point of coming home to a “family” where there isn’t any love? I even left and tried to come back the 2nd time around because I did feel guilty at first but I just couldn’t. I chose “me” over anything else and once I did that I never looked back. I’m grateful I didn’t look back the 3rd time around because if I did I wouldn’t have been able to be so blessed with what’s in front of me now. I came a long way and I always say my husband came to me at the perfect time because I was at my lowest, I was in a dark place and I admit I was broken. I know I may not have been the easiest to deal with at times but I’m thankful he loved me enough to take the time…
Welcome back Robyn, you are officially a Faithful. Glad you like the name. Remember this we are all broken in some way but we have to do the work to get past what and who broke us. I can relate to being a statistic. It’s never something I wanted to be and yet here I am dealing with the failure of a thing. But you know what I learned about failures, they are nothing but learning lessons. We are made better for our failures if we learn the lesson and share our lesson with others.
I hope to see you back here next week. It’s going to get real real.
Knowing I’m married for 28yrs. and marriage has no transcript, encyclopedia, nor dictionary. I personally commend you for being openly transparent and showing us your self refection. It’s all about self healing. You are opening the doors to so many beautiful Queens out here who are going through the same/similar or those who have gone through it but yet, cannot or will not share their experience. I will say, “That Bridge was the road you prayed for and God gave you your out!” No matter how much love we was, we accept, and we look for, it’s all a learning experience that takes us on another level and journey. You groomed your Ex and maybe just maybe, he still hasn’t matured to know what Life is. The nurturing that comes in life, the maturity we have have to have. Guess what he failed and may not ever learn. Don’t feel bad, don’t beat yourself up, and don’t give up. You taught, you learned, and you stayed strong and true to him and yourself. A stand up Woman you will remain. I respect you for this.
Welcome Tajuana, thank you for sharing with us and joining me on my journey. As raw as I have been during this season of my life, due to many things happening, it felt wrong to not tell the story. And you are so right, I kept asking God for signs that He kept sending but I ignored. The Bridge smacked me right in the face and I couldn’t ignore what was in front of me any longer. There wasn’t a “solution” I could craft which is why my byline is, sometimes falling down feels like standing up. As deep a pit as I thought I was in, honestly it was the freest I’d ever been. I’m sure that doesn’t make sense to some folks just yet but it will.
I was carrying some major weight and the experience of writing and just being out of shared space with My Past opened my eyes to just how much of me I’d lost being with him. I never want to lose myself in someone again but I do hope to love someone with as much intensity and have that reciprocated. I hope to see you back next week.
Your writing is intriguing, entertaining and very transparent. I, as a reader, appreciate them all. This is definitely a part of your healing process and should be respected as such. I think it takes LOTS of guts to divulge some of your most private moments and I applaud you for that! Based on your feelings, I’d say you made the right decision. Maybe your decision will help your ex reach his full potential. In which case, you will have still filled that need to be a fixer. Unfortunately, I don’t think that will be the case though. I don’t think a man asking his wife for a separation, during a pandemic nonetheless, is one that truly values his marriage wholeheartedly. That, in my opinion, is reason enough for you to want out of what you felt was already a toxic situation. For now, keep writing to find your peace and know that healing comes with time!
Thank you for blessing my spot on the web with your kind words. It really is about healing. Some people will think it’s about getting back at My Past. There is nothing I can do to him that he isn’t already doing to himself.
You’re right that a man who leaves his wife or asks to leave his wife (whatever way you’d like to take his departure) during a pandemic when she has compromised immunity doesn’t value his vows and doesn’t love his wife. Those facts still sting a little, but less over time. Even with the sting I am not bitter, just better for learning a hard lesson.
It remains my hope that he learns too. Learns that showing up and doing the work is more important than anything else to women. I hope he matures and all the dreams floating in his head make it to paper and ultimately a reality, why because I’m not a person who holds onto negativity. And while I never want him in my space again, I wish him nothing but the best. At the same time I wouldn’t be surprised if he never gets out of his own way. Sometimes you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Thankfully he is not my project to fix…any longer.
I hope to see you back next week. It gets real real.
Well… I guess I am officially a “Faithful”. Thanks for continuing to share your truth. I pray for fast healing for you. I am so happy that you get to move on with your life and leave the baggage behind for good. His loss! There is so much I can speak on from my own personal experiences, but I would have to start my own installments. I will say I have been there and done that— but of course you know you are definitely not alone. Fixer? Yup! Been there done that! Looking forward to next week’s installment Faith!
You are a Faithful! I am taking this next journey baggage free. It’s important to let the shit go, at least that’s what I believe. Part of letting it go is being able to speak your truth. Don’t be afraid to speak your truth in installments or otherwise. Everyone grows from the shared experience, of that I am certain. There is a family in sharing and coming out on the other side of better than you went in.
Hope to see you back tomorrow. It’s getting real real, trust me.
As you know, I haven’t stayed but I’m not out. Not completely. I’ve got too much to lose, but I’m formulating a plan. And at least not having stayed has allowed me much peace that I haven’t had in a long long time. As we have talked, what is it about us women that we feel we have to hang in there at the detriment to our minds, bodies and souls?!?! Anyway, thoroughly enjoying the feeling of oneness with the Faithfuls 😊
Pam you’re officially a Faithful. And out but not out is tough. There is so much to lose when you’ve been in it for a long time and there’s just a lifetime of combined stuff. Stuff is more than literal stuff, it’s people, places, and things.
I can’t tell you what it is about women that makes us want to give more than someone is giving us…could be we are foolish or it could be that we are just better people. I have heard some horror stories on the other side so just maybe it’s not just women. Let’s not throw all of the gents under the bus just yet.
I definitely stayed because I believed that I’d I was patient, loving, and supportive enough, that would fix things. I also hate to fail.
Holli you’re officially a Faithful. This is my whole story in two short sentences. What I came to realize, takers will always take until givers have no more to give, and when you reach the point of no more giving, takers will find fault in you. It’s so odd to me that someone could be willing to ask for things he is not able to provide under the guise of needing a little help. There is not enough love, patience, or support in the world to mend the broken. Learned that the hard way.
I could write a whole post about my anxiety levels when it comes to failure…and I will but not this week. Hope to see you back tomorrow. The story gets realer, if that were even possible.
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