To be fair, editing or manipulating My Past’s letter would be improper so I’m going to give it to you raw no chaser. I’m positive he typed this on his phone, the guy had time time.
From the day I 1st laid eyes on you, I saw and recognized you as the strong super smart and confident leader that you always have been and thru these 8 years I’ve watched you grow that base and mature it into the woman who wins awards and gets recognized as a stand out in her field. To have the focus to be able to combat not only the day to day of that pressure is amazing in itself. Then throw on the tenacity to and wisdom to not want to have but also the recognition and heart to know if not u than who, to throw everything and anyone who is close to u on ur back and carry them along ur journey. Myself included.
The patients and strength it took/takes to meet someone who is far from complete. Shit a person who’s barely even comfortable in their own skin, and be able to dig in and constantly work and pray to build and mold that person. Constantly teaching whether the lesson was excepted in the moment or not always forward pushing.
Lessons of I need my space or my quiet time to a child who’s clingy and lookin for that attachment of protection. Taught me to be quiet and still in the moment.
Lessons of don’t ask me what’s wrong with me it’s annoying, taught me that even though you have the option to put it off on someone else, the end result just hits different when u do it urself.
Lessons of I don’t care if u go out where u go and I’m not askin no questions. Taught responsibility independence and the recognition of the importance of making the correct small decisions that could alter life in an instant.
Loud debates that internally beat me down and caused doubt and internal embarrassment. Taught me to be able to stand firm in ur arguments but make sure ur knowledgeable enough to not be a fool. As well as the patients and confidence to be able to hear the loud ferocity of an opponent and not crumble bcuz I’ve been trained for this.
The lessons of inconsistency and the need to not only focus but to set goals, plan, and take notesso that it’s easier to not b distracted. Bcuz there’s a written guide that says hey u were here b4 u “Wander”ed now u can come right back without having to start over or getting pulled to something different.
I would have to believe that in reading the above u will agree that even thru all the pain I’ve caused I’ve been growing all along.
I know that you see that the man I was, the man who u scraped off the sidewalk after a nasty fall and pieced back together but unlike humpty dumpty who couldn’t be reassembled. You built a better model.
I recognize that in the moment none of that matters to u and all I’m doing is being selfish. And I recognize that it seems that way, and I hope to show u 1 day that I’m not.
U’ve grown me to feel not only comfortable in my own skin but more importantly confident in my ability. Through lessons of comin to ur office and u remindin me to just be myself. A lesson that is imperative for my next step.
The clarity I currently have to be able to look back on all those things I felt were negative in the moment and be able to see the lesson and actually learn from them. And that’s not just lessons from my wife but seeing the lessons of 36 yrs of life recalling details to memories so clearly as if it were happening right in front of me in the moment.
But with the ability to do that you also see some lessons that may not have been learned bcuz all the negatives of the past didn’t allow you have the experience.
1 of those experiences is being free in myself to interact comfortably with women whether it leads to sex or not. That lack of experience is the lesson that has always fleed me.
I do not want to be married to anyone else but the woman I committed to making my wife. However this lesson is one that I’ve always felt I needed. Whether it’s it’s the lesson that shows no other woman equates to you, whether it’s the lesson of these hoes ain’t nothing but trouble. Or most importantly is the lesson of being comfortable in urself while being out all on ur own with no safety vest, or clean up crew to put u together when ur broken. The lesson that shows me the ability to use my talent for communication and being likeable by all to take over a board room or a conference hall. Bcuz that level of confidence is only instilled in a man thru concur not concurring coochie but concurring my own fear and learning how to fuck up in a moment by talkin myself out of the P-Valley but bein quick witted enough to spin it back and close the deal. It may sound dumb to u but u have to acknowledge that if a dude can recover from a full walk out from a female acquaintance and still close the deal, then no board room or business deal stand a chance against the conference, showmanship, and strength created in that experience.
I could go further but I think u get the point,so I’ll finish up with this clear statement of exactly what I want.
I want my wife to be everything she always has been to and for me like nothing bad ever happened. Now obviously that’s not even possible cuz clearly shit happened and is happening. I see that currently all I’m doin is causing u hurt and anguish and that’s on top off all the other life shit ur dealing with. So even in wanting to be with u I see that it’s best for both of us to have this time apart 1 so that u don’t have to worry about me and my pressure so that u can then turn and focus ur efforts to ur mom and urself. Now u may say that it’s not fair cuz u always were there to help me. But u kno if I stay I’ll do nothing but add more weight.
And 2 so that I can grow in myself to finish developing. Yes I want the option to behave freely and inner act with other women, bcuz I need that. It’s the a statement on the highest level of selfishness. But I’ve come to the realization that in this life there are times where u have to be selfish so that u can grow out of that comfort zone, in order to come back selflessly and take ur seat next to ur queen to provide and rule with knowledge, wisdom, confidence, love, and compassion.
I would never disrespect u by creeping around with some other broad. Which is why I asked for this separatation so I can grow without the guilt of pain caused to you. I don’t want to lose communication with you and and don’t want a divorce.
This is the most honest I’ve ever been. And I’m glad I didn’t say anything yesterday when u wanted me to cuz I know it would not have come out clear and concise. Another lesson I got from u.
This is not easy for me to do bcuz I do love u and don’t want to hurt u. But u also trained me to make a decision and stand tall on it. This is the full truth of what I want and need.
If u want to remain married work on our relationship and allow me this freedom well than by all means I’m in, but that’s ur decision and I’m not asking u to make it. Which is why I asked for the separation.
I do love u, and in whatever fashion this plays out I know we’ll always be together.
Was it a tough read for you? Imagine how I felt. No but seriously there’s a part of me so incredibly happy (odd sentiment I know) my heart stopped bleeding My Past long before I opened this email. And trust I know no relationship dies by the hands of a single person. Mine died a 100 tiny deaths well before I forced myself through the written stream of consciousness pulled together in this dear Faith letter of sorts. It is my utmost intent to respond honestly and to discuss the relationship, of course through my lens but with some level of grace for the person who will not be able to speak his “truth” beyond a few letters he wrote to me. But also give context and really delve into how meeting on a bridge sealed the fate on 8 years of together. I’m going to be honest about myself, what I learned, what I will never accept again, what I will do better, and why love is never the wrong decision, but how it must be entered into with someone who has the capacity.
Sip some tea with me. Would you send a dear John/Jane/Jaquan/Jaquita/Juanita/Jose letter? How do you feel about open(ish) relationships? Is there a difference between separated and divorced? Does it count as cheating if your husband inner acts instead interacts with females (ugh I hate when men use this term when they mean women)? How long would you give a spouse who needed to find himself/herself before you signed the papers?
Drop a comment in the box below. Remember to share is to care and hashish.
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My man got his ass whooped by auto complete. In all seriousness, I don’t understand what “inner acting” with other women has to do do with growing and developing while still being married. I’m glad you are in a place to start healing from this. You’re experiencing something that I’m dreading.
Hey MSB, first thanks for dropping a comment. I hope you return to continue reading the story. New posts will be available every Wednesday mid afternoon.
I can’t speak for his auto correct but what I know is typing your dissertation on an Android probably would read like this for most people. Maybe not the inner acting part but everything else. And I have absolutely no clue how or why dipping in and out of the thots serves any purpose for making a marriage work. I do know that it drips of immaturity and selfishness in the face of so many of the challenges that I was facing on my own in the marriage.
Boy, did this bring back a slew of dark memories. I think I’m speechless. It’s rare, but yup, I’m speechless.
As for your question (s) below (or above, however you look at it), I’m not into “open” relationships. Like your Past, my Ex had to “find” himself. It seems they fall sunken to the “what if” factor. I dunno. But great read and we’ll definitely sip together friend. #cheers
Hey Friend, thanks for stopping by my spot on the innawebs. I hope that the dark memories don’t cause you any pain but I do hope you will return and share some of your ish with everyone else. This is community. And we are healed through the sharing.
Open(ish) relationships are an interesting concept. On it’s face I don’t have a problem with the concept (definitely not ideal in my married space)…it does require a healthy amount of maturity and probably shouldn’t be the ask when you’re already 8 toes out the door.
Wow! I was contemplating divorce for 9 months before going to marriage counseling. I don’t believe that much can be sorted out from a letter. I prefer having open and honestly dialogue facilitated by a counselor.
I think I would pursue an open relationship when things are good or on the mostly positive side of a relationship.
I don’t think that my spouse should be distracted with another person during a separation. There is no separation to be had for one finding themselves. We either work through it or go our separate ways. There’s no gray area in marriage as far as us being together.
What’s the point of being married if not to be committed even when things don’t feel good or hit a rough patch.
Thanks 8 Yrs Married for stopping by and sharing your piece. I tend to agree with you, asking for an open(ish) relatjonship should probably take place on good footing. When you’re 8 toes out the door it’s the straw that could have broken the camel’s back. What if I tell you, it wasn’t. You have to come back to hear more of the story.
I believe in counseling, but I also believe in survival. Dying slowly no longer felt appealing to me so I called it quits. He had no capacity to do the work. Marriages on the rocks can’t be fixed when only one person puts in the work.
I’ve never been married, but I’ve had something like this happen to me before. What I would say, is a man can never have taken any type of honesty like that from a female. We would be labeled as users, gold diggers, etc, u get my hint. I constantly fear raising, uplifting and putting my all into someone; for my grandmother always told me, he supposed to be complete when he comes to you, not you help him get there. Ppl will take your kindness, use ur own words, accomplishments and lessons you taught them and learn the wrong lesson! There are no open relationships in a marriage, I don’t believe in that. Separate is taking a break, however the only breaks in a marriage is staying in the basement not exploring inner acts! They would be finding themselves by themselves and as soon as I get the chance to sign those papers I would. There is a person out there that do not need to be completed by you and already is complete. Don’t you ever lose insight on how beautiful you are as a person, because from the readings of things, ppl just need to admit when their just not ready for certain commitments and leave before their in room deep!
Hey Jessica you said a word. Thanks for sharing on my space on the innerwebs. There is no separation in marriage beside the couch. You do not get to walk away from it because it’s easier than doing the work. If that were the case I would have left long before I called it quits.
What I do give My Past or the Anti Husband credit for related to this letter is his honesty regardless of how tactless. He tried to gaslight me on the bridge so this was a lot closer to what he wanted to say but could not say to my face. And you are correct if I ever aired him out (never did) the way he deserved he’d be in a straight jacket. I’ve grown and shit. Please stop by the story gets more interesting trust me.
Side note, men struggle with receiving what they dish out.
So typical of a person like that to take everything and put all the weight on you and then talk about how he needs to be with other women. I’ve been there too! Love is truly blind. I love how he talks about you training him and teaching him like you’re his mother. Not once does he reference “partnership” which is what a marriage should be. I love that you’re able to lay it all out there and I know it will help you heal and become even stronger than you already were. ❤️
Hey Judy thank you for stopping by my little place on this here innerwebs. Love is deaf, dumb, and blind. He will never reference partnership because that would require reflection and maturity, two things running low in his brain space. I hope to see more of you here. Come back every Wednesday for more of the story, trust me this was just the tip of the iceberg.
Sheesh. It took me a while to realize that “concur” = “conquer.” I guess opposites attracted in this case.
Faith, I’m sorry that this is happening and that the 20/20 hindsight happened in 2020, along with the rest of the mess. To me, it sounds like you’re dealing with someone who is not equally yoked in maturity. He needs to maybe seek out the help of therapy, because that’s a lot to dump on you. And to be honest, I see how it might reflect in my own relationship. I, too, have ideas that never come to fruition because of my own imposter syndrome. Seeing the affect that his perceived lack of ambition has had on you and your nerves, I’m going to definitely work to do better.
No, I couldn’t deal with an open marriage because that is not the deal we made when we agreed to get married. I would like to say that I would view separation and divorce as one and the same, but I also know myself and sometimes I have a hard time learning my lesson. I’ve written many a Dear John/ Dear Joan in my day, but I really hope I was more concise than this one.
You’re an intelligent, sensitive, strong-willed woman who deserves someone who matches your maturity.
Hi KayBee, I’m glad I’m not the only one who struggled deciphering the words. The sentences weren’t even good context clues, but I digress.
Ambition without drive is a deadly. It does begin to ring very hollow when someone who is living off of your life energy comes up with their 110th idea to get “rich” and all they need is the equity in your home….that could just be me. I highly doubt this is you.
And I totally agree, we live in two different stratospheres as it relates to maturity. My Past lives in a bubble of his own design where being a responsible mature adult is seen as treasonous.
First, Thanks Faith!–for allowing us into your personal and private space. Unfortunately, I am not and probably will never be this brave. I almost did not want to read this because I know you are a bit private and I felt like I was about to read your diary without your permission. (Almost like the day I was sneaking in your mom’s cabinet looking for the seasoning she uses on her fried chicken that none of the household cared to share with me.) Anyway, I’m proud of you and I want to say I am upset that you went through this, but at the same time, it takes situations such as this for us women(not females…lol) to realize what we DO NOT want TO EVER put up with going forward. It especially opens our eyes to being more careful with those red flags that some us tend to overlook/ignore. And let me add– Open marriages are not for us! PERIOD! Love you!
Hey C-Necessary, thanks for being brave enough to take the plunge on my little space on the innawebs. Not to correct you, but I am Fort Lee level private most days. What I know, however, the urgency to help someone else not ignore the signs beat out my desire to stay in the shadows. It also just feels right and you have my permission to get all in my business if you promise to share it with someone you believe needs to learn the lessons. Hope to see you back here next week for the first installment of my reply to the infamous Dear Faith Letter.
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1. I need him to download Grammarly ASAP. I swear most of his letter read like something that my dense 22y/o would write. The “Patients”, “Inner Acts”, and “Bcuz” for real?
2.The Latina part of me, that temper, would never allow me the time to type a Dear Anybody letter, you and everyone else is going to hear everything that I am thinking.
3. Absolutely not to that open marriage, and if he’s asking to open it up, it’s already been open on his side for a while.
4. Separated is still married just not playing the proper roles. Cheaper than Divorce
5.Cheating is anything you need to hide from your spouse.
6. They would get the 20 days that Pennsylvania requires.
Hi Miranda, thank you for taking time out of your day to share some words on my little space here on the internet of things. I would make the suggestion but if I were to guess he’s probably officially not speaking to me. I tend to agree with you, once someone suggests the opening of a marriage it’s probably already in theory started on their side. Not that I judge. I used to be somewhat black and white about married, feeling as though separated meant married lite. But these days I question if what I was in could be qualified as a marriage. If I was not in fact married then can I even call this cooling off period a separation…what I do know is it feels like I am thisclose to freedom.
I hope you come back next week for another installment.